It feels like spring -- but why are people dressing like it's summer? Ladies, chill out with the flip-flops, you'll have plenty of time to get your flip-flop wearing in.
Ditto with the tank-tops. Myself, am dreading the return of warmer weather for the simple reason of I have gained so much weight and
a. None of the my warmer weather clothes from last year fit.
b. Now people can really see what a fucking cow I've become.
Tonight is the big family dinner. I wish it was over and done with. I can tell you already there is going to be major drama, and I don't think my intenstines can take it. I haven't had a drink since I started with all the UC meds, but I think tonight might be a fine time to resume. An ice cold vodka martini with some big fat juicy olives sounds mighty good right now. I wish it wasn't like this, I wish I could explain/understand why my sisters don't get along. They never really did from what I remember. They are such opposites it's not even funny. Granted my oldest sister can be an uptight unforgiving bitch and the middle one a paranoid grudge holding freak but still.... we are sisters and that should count for something. Oh the more I think about this the more I want that martini NOW! It doesn't help that it's really quiet at work today and I don't have anything to distract me from thinking about this. The whole kicker is my uncle may not make it to the dinner (don't even ask). But we won't know that until it's too late and we're all together. Then at least we will be united in our hatred for him.
Got a digital camera -- a Nikon Coolpix. I've mastered the camera, well at least the basics, but still have not completely figured out getting them onto the computer part. Will now be able to have photographic evidence of tomw nights family dinner. May come in handy in a court of law. Just kidding. Kinda.
There's no water in my apt. building. That sucks, since I have a sinkful of dirty dishes (I can take a pic & show you!) UPDATE: It's a little freaky, the toilet is spontaneously flushing itself right now. WTF?
The high school sweetheart has me perplexed. Will not answer any direct questions, like for instance, what are you doing now? It's just kinda weird. Makes me even more curious. I guess he really wouldn't want to tell me if he knew I was blogging about it.
Have you been wondering about my kitchen paint job? I know you have!! Well, wonder no more internet. Behold the puk-ish green walls. I painted the doorframe white (painted myself, thank you very much!) so it looks less pukey. Still haven't decided on a shade/blind and what should go on the walls. That might take a while.
I was totally blown away the first time I heard Greg Trooper do this song. I only wish I could write something this powerful and beautiful.
Every single morning I wake up and pray
Find the strength inside of me to get me thru the day
A shower falls like a thousand tears
If I could just get past the tears
Living life without you every single day
Every perfect stranger I pass in the street
Their eyes they shine like diamonds happiness complete
How can they laugh and carry on
Don't they know that you are gone
And I'm left without you every single day
Every single day I find
You're the first and last thing on my mind
I miss you till the end of time I miss you every single day
Every one knows sorrow lonliness and shame
But until you lose someone you love
You never know real pain
What am I supposed to do
Without you here to pull me thru
Your memory just won't do every single day
From Greg Trooper "Everywhere"
Black Hole Records 1992
HEY INTERNET WHERE ARE YOU? COME BACK. I NEED YOU.
My visitor stats have dropped off dramatically in the last week or so. Ok, I'm being a bit dramatic when I say dramatically, it's not like I have dooce numbers but was getting a good 50ish reads a day, now it's down to 10ish. WHERE HAVE YOU GONE INTERNET, THE NATION TURNS TURNS IT'S LONELY EYES TO YOU.
I know, you're all jealous 'cause I'm going to Opening Day and you're not but still. That's no reason to flatleave me. Heh. When was the last time you heard THAT? Maybe it's the poop stories. Maybe you're pooped out. Well I couldn't blame you about that. OH! Maybe you're busy planning my surprise party. I bet that's it.
INTERNET I'M BEGGING YOU. DON'T LEAVE ME NOW. I promise I won't do it again. Or will do it some more. WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO I'LL DO IT INTERNET. 'CAUSE YOU ARE THE REASON FOR LIVING. YOU ARE THE REASON GOD MAKE OKLAHOMA.
Things I Must Do This Week:
My laundry. No ifs ands or buts around this one.
Call to see where the hell my opening day tix are.
Make a "wish" list for fantasy baseball draft on Sat. Really? This one is a waste of time 'cause we all know I'll finish in last place no matter how much research I do. But? I love this shit.
Mentally prepare for family dinner on Friday. This one is a biggie folks. BOTH my sisters, their spouses, PLUS my uncle who we never see. The fact that BOTH my sisters will be there, in the same room, is very stress inducing since they do not speak to each other, unless someone is dying.
Figure out what kind of digital camera to buy. Any suggestions? Looking for nuthin' fancy, just taking some pics of my cats.
Go to dentist. Open wide.
Start walking to burn off those extra pounds Summer is coming faster than you think.
I just saw this quote for the first time. You can just file it with all the other reasons why I hate Mariah Carey.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd
love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies
and death and stuff."
Had to go to the hospital today for some more tests because? it seems that an accurate diagnosis on my gastric situation is as elusive as Osama Bin Laden. Today's tests (say hello to your small bowel Lisa!) are supposed to give my dr.'s a clearer picture of what the hell is going on because while I've made some progress I'm still having problems (a polite euphism for still shitting my brains out). And I've been on the steroids for three months now. I was there for a couple of hours, most of the time waiting for whatever the nasty shit I had to swallow went through my system. The really bad thing about being at the hopsital? All those sick people. I don't mean to be unkind or callous, it's just so fricking depressing. Also, is English the first language of ANYONE that works in that hospital? Because it's not like I need to know what you're saying as you point the death rays of radiation at me.
While waiting, I started "Bitter is the New Black" by Jen Lancaster, of
http://www.jennsylvania.com/ -- pretty funny stuff.
I finally watched "Elizabethtown" and was pretty disappointed. It was very disjointed --like he couldn't decide which story he story he wanted to tell. That's two Cameron Crowe movies in a row that kinda sucked. It's not like it was awful, just wasn't as good as I expected. After the near perfection of "Jerry MacGuire" and "Almost Famous" I've come to expect great things. Of course the music was fantabulous. My favorite part was this quote:
I teach my kids about the things that really matter. I will teach them about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zant, because they are equally important in my house.
If my nephew ever finds this blog he is SO going to kill me. But really now isn't he the cutest? Don't you just love his dimples? And his puppy dog eyes? 
Ever since I was a little kid music has been my thing (listening not playing). There is always music playing in my head and I couldn't imagine my life without it. To me music is more than chords and lyrics, it's the soundtrack of my life. Almost all my memories have a song attached to it -- whether because a particular lyric resonated with me or maybe the song was actually playing. More than anything else, a song can bring me back to a specific moment in time. It can make me smile (riding in the car with my beloved Uncle Rich, singing "My Ding-A-Ling) , it can make me cry (thinking of Liz every time I hear "Back on the Chain Gang") but it always makes me remember. And sometimes there is no specific memory, just a good feeling from hearing the song. Like this song from 1973 by the Canadian band, Edward Bear. I remember seeing them on "American Bandstand" and making my dad buy me the 45 that very afternoon. I still have the 45 too. Thanks for the memories Edward Bear (whoever, wherever you are).
Last Song
Did you know I go to sleep and
Leave the lights on
Hoping you'd come by and know
That I was home and still awake
But two years go by and still
My light's on
This is hard for me to say
But it is all that I can take
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last time that I'll tell you
Just how much I really care
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you
You'll come looking for the light
And it won't be there
But I love you
Oh yes I do
Yes I do
All the times that I spent waiting
Wondering where you are
Always knew the time would come
When I would start to wonder why
Now the time is here
I don't know where you are
So I'll write you one more song
But it's the last time that I'll ever try
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last time that I'll tell you
Just how much I really care
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you
You'll come looking for the light
And it won't be there
But I love you
Oh yes I do
Yes I do
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last song I'll ever write for you
18 days til my favorite day of the year -- Opening Day. Actually April 2nd is Opening Night, so 19 days til Opening Day. And 27 days until the home opener. I wish my tickets would come already, I won't be happy until I have them in my hot little hands.
For many years I kept a diary. I used those Hallmark date books that you would get for free from the card stores so there really wasn't alot of room, just enough to note what when on during a particular day. So here's what was happening to me on March 13....
1978
At Liz's house, gotta go home tomw. What a drag but right now everything is cool. Spoke to Dad. (I ran away from home on my mother's birthday, how fucked up was that? I went to California, was staying with Liz & her family).
1979
Went to all my classes. Went over to Gary's, hung out with Scott, Mike, Dave and John. Oh John! (Can you stand the excitement? In all fairness, I was 15 so WTF do you want from me?)
1980
Went to all my classes. Did laundry with Sharon. Talked to John, Ross. (Another exciting day in the life.)
1981
Went to seminar downtown, Rays for lunch, hung out afterward. It was beautiful out. Went to see "American Pop" with Kat & Chris, hung out with Ralph later, had a piss. Marshall Tucker Band on "Fridays." (This day stands out in my mind as one of the best days of my life. Nothing particularly great happened, it was just an all around great day.)
1982
Mike Butz birthday, baked him a cake, hung out at Butz house. (Happy Birthday Mike Butz wherever you are.)
1983
It was gorgeous out. Hung out with Kat & Bobby, Ralph called me.(Party animal, that's me.)
1984
Today was Grandma's funeral, we all cried. Came back, talked to a million people. (An obviously sucky day.)
1987
Today was a shitty day. Watched "Dallas", hung out with Frank. (BORING)
1988
It was great out. Took Kitty outside, hung out at Frank's tonight. (Why the hell did I take the cat outside?)
Now, if I had to do a diary entry for today, March 13, 2006 (which I guess what blogging is doing in a way) it would go something like this:
2006
Dr. appt. this morning. Need more tests (fuck!!). Worked sucked. 24 tonight.
Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just so used to things coming easily to me that this bump in the road is nothing than that, I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe this is another side effect of the steroids. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. Maybe I just need to get laid. Or take a good look around and realize, after all is said and done in the grand scheme of things I'm pretty lucky.
Your comments are all very welcomed. I appreciate all the feedback, encouragement, suggestions and support.
Lately, I feel like my identity is so muddled and I'm questioning my life choices. Who am I? How do I define myself? Have I made the right choices? What's next? Where do I go from here? I hate feeling this way, doubting myself all the time. I know I must make changes, I just don't know what. I have to get this shit worked out in my head otherwise it's just going to get worse. And I can't let that happen.
It used to be easy. I was Lisa, daughter of J & I, younger sister of M & N. I had a clearly defined family, with a clearly defined family role. Once my parents died that identity was gone. It's been five years and I've been through the shock, grief, all the things that you experience when such an earth-shattering event happens. While I've come to terms with losing them I still haven't come to terms with where all this leaves me. And who it makes me.
I'm in a rut. A big time fucking rut. In every aspect of my life. Socially. Professionally. Mentally. Physically. I need to shut up, stop making excuses and get off my ass. Get going and make some shit happen. Get some purpose and meaning in my life. Gotta take life by the horns.... ok, ok. You get my point. Any suggestions?
I am a daughter
I am an aunt
I am a sister
Like most of America, I watched the Academy Awards last night -- more because of Jon Stewart than any particular interest in who was wearing what or who was winning what. How can one man (George Clooney) be so HOT and so COOL at the same time. Lordy lord lord.
I hadn't seen any of the movies that had Best Support Actress nominees -- oh that's not true, I saw "Junebug" -- but pray tell, why did I wake up during the night, not once, but twice (!!) trying to remember who won the award?
I'm trying to type this at work, the phone keeps ringing and it's someone trying to send a fax so I keep getting an earful of BEEP. Like 20 frigging times already. Don't you hate it when that happens? Damn, just happened again.
Since I have no life, and after reading a great post (the future mrs. bill haverchuck) on les cadeaux http://mk-cadeaux.com/ I decided to re-watch Freaks & Geeks this weekend. Specifically the last episode. For the love of all things holy I searched high & low and could not find the DVD's. Where can they be? Did I lend them to someone? I don't remember, maybe my niece, but she says she doesn't have them. I really don't think I would have trusted anyone with them (I'm a little overprotective like that). Fuck. So instead I watched "The 40 Year Old Virgin" which? Was fun and all but no Freaks & Geeks. Even if it did have Ken Miller in it. Dude, you are so gay!
Ok, this fucking phone won't stop ringing and now I have to like, work.
More pictures of my cats!
Tiger (aka Ruler of the Couch)
Honi (aka Cat on a Hot (Tin) Stove)
I haven't had much luck with men lately. By lately I mean like in the past decade. It seems that no matter whom I like, they don't return my feelings. What is it about me? Or them? What does this say about the guys I'm attracted to? What does this say about me? At this point I totally don't trust my judgment or my instincts, as there have been several times I KNEW that this guy was into me yet THEY WEREN'T!! Am I reading into things that aren't there? This situation has me totally perplexed and slightly disturbed. Not because I'm a man crazed bitch that isn't complete unless I'm with someone (so over that), but because I simply would like to be in relatively normal happy relationship. I'd like someone to share experiences with, someone to lean on every now and again, to be there for someone. It really seems like everyone in this world is paired up and sometimes being single can be quite a lonely and daunting experience. For a change, it would be nice to be part of something with someone. Someone who's on the same page as me. Or at least reading the same book.
- Trouble sleeping (CHECK)
- Nervousness (CHECK)
- Sodium retention (CHECK)
- Increased appetite (CHECK)
- Increased mucous production (CHECK)
- Increased acid in your stomach (CHECK)
- Increased sweating, especially at night (CHECK)
- Increased hair growth (CHECK)
- Acne on the face, back, and chest (CHECK)
- Increased fat deposits
- Bone and muscle problems
- Eye problems
- Increased sugar in the blood
- Increased sensitivity to the sun
- Delayed wound healing
- Decreased ability to fight infection
- Thrush (Candida) growth in the mouth
