yesterday i swallowed a camera. on purpose.
it's called a camera endoscopy and it was yet another test in the never-ending-quest to figure out what's really wrong with me and how to fix it. so i swallowed the camera and had this walkman-like data recorder and some wires strapped to me. with all the wires, flashing lights and beeps emitting from this contraption, i looked like a suicide bomber, ready to detonate at any moment. that's me, the poop bomber.
i'm sitting here at work, the friday before a holiday weekend (well not for me since i'm working monday) willing the clock to go faster (please, for the love of all things holy, please be 5:00 already). having drinks after work and CAN. NOT. WAIT. A. MINUTE. LONGER. mojitos here i come.
they are killing me with this stuff
I've been a fan of this man's music for a long time. From "Everywhere" (which is hard to fine but so worth it) to "Make It Through This World" he consisently makes good music and writes even better songs. Such as this one (which Lucy Kaplansky does a kick-ass version of).
The Heart
written by Greg Trooper, Tom Russell
Go to sleep my darling
Lay down upon your bed
May the rhymes of childhood songs
Dance inside your head
When night time falls around you
I know that you're afraid
But the heart will bring you home again
The heart is built that way
The heart will bring you home again
It hasn't failed us yet
The heart will bring you home again
The heart does not forget
So close your eyes my darling
Close your eyes and dream
The world is full of promises
And love is all it seems
Yes there will be the hard roads
That lead us all astray
But the heart will bring you home again
The heart is built that way
The heart will bring you home again
It hasn't failed us yet
The heart will bring you home again
The heart does not forget
The sun will rise my darling
And glisten off the streets
So close your eyes and believe in love
And feel safe inside your dreams
Cause no one's going to harm you
Or carry you away
But the heart will bring you home again
The heart is built that way
The heart will bring you home again
It hasn't failed us yet
The heart will bring you home again
The heart does not forget
this was pretty damn funny.
Sports Pickle
I can usually endure one social event per weekend. This weekend featured several different events (albeit with alot of the same people). If I had to make idle chit-chat with one more person I was ready to go on a murderous rampage. It's weekend's like this I truly value living by myself.
Saturday
Nephew's graduation and post-graduation lunch
Co-workers wedding, which was a lovely, bride was beautiful, blah, blah blah. My hair looked great! As it should since I spent the budget of a small nation getting it done up. 
Sunday
Nephew's graduation party (to which the HS sweetheart did not show up) (which was mabye a good thing because really? I couldn't deal talking to yet another person) (but yet still was dissappointed) (not surprised, just disappointed) (cause how cool would that have been?)
Ladies & Gentlemen of the Internet,
May I present to you the most handsome-est dude on the planet? Granted, I'm not the most objective person but reallly, how can there be any debate?
What I want to know is how did we go from this:
to this so quickly?
Sweet sixteen. That's how old I was in the summer of '79, the summer that I got together with the HS sweetheart. What a fan-fucking-tastic time that was. The head-over-heels feeling. The "I'm with the cutest, nicest guy who totally adores me" feeling. Holy shit. I would give anything to have that feeling again.
When I think of the HS sweetheart (ok, jeez, his name is Ross) I don't think of particular songs, I think of albums (yes, I said albums. I'm old. Shut up.). Candy-O.
Squeezing Out the Sparks. Damn The Torpedo's. Parallel Lines. Van Halen II.
Where am I going with this stroll down memory lane? I'm not really sure except that I really wonder what he's like today. Is he still a nice guy? Or did life turn him into an asshole? We know he's still incredibly cute but is he still incredibly funny? Could he still melt my heart with those baby blues? He hasn't said yes or no about the party so I have no idea if he will show up or not. I'm pretty sure that he has no intention of coming but since I haven't actually heard the word no, I can pretend right? Because seriously? How great would that be? You know I totally picture him falling madly in love with me -- sadly I'm not joking. Also in that scenario I'm about 40 lbs. skinnier. And have much better skin.
So here's my question: since I haven't heard from him, do I send another email, something like: Hope you can make it on Sun? Because if I don't hear a definite answer from him one way or the other I'll spend the whole party looking for him and will be wildly dissappointed that he doesn't show up. Because I'm lame like that. Any suggestions (besides to get a real life)?
My nephew is graduating from HS this week (yeah Dude!) and my sis is throwing a huge party for him this Sunday. I know the HS sweetheart lives around where my sis does so I emailed him an invite. Haven't heard back from him -- I highly doubt he'll come but a girl can dream can't she? I can't even remember the last time I saw him but I do know it was before I was married so that's at least 21 years ago. My god. Anyway, I really was curious as to what he looks like now and he never did send me a pic -- but he did mention his pic was up on Classmates so when I got the "free trial membership" email today I was all over that shit.
now 
then
Yum.
Some songs that have played on my not-an-ipod during the writing of this post:
- Any Major Dude-Steely Dan
- Here Comes Those Tears Again-Jackson Browne
- Only A Memory-Smithereens (very appropriate!)
- Bertha-Grateful Dead
- If Heaven Ain't A Lot Like Dixie-Hank Williams Jr.
- Closer to Me-Dar Williams
- Bad Boys Get Spanked-Pretenders
Why am I finding everything to be so difficult lately? I mean, more than usual. I have no energy, patience or desire to be around people. And I'm referring to people that I usually like. Sometimes I feel like if I never left the house or spoke to another person that would be ok. I know it wouldn't be but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. Every day is a struggle to get out the door (never mind finding something to wear) and every night is a relief when I can come home and lock the door and world out. I resent the phone and any intrusion on my time. The happy face I feel compelled to don when I leave the house is getting harder and harder to maintain.
I know, boo-fucking-hoo. Life's a bitch and then you die, huh? I should count my blessings and all that crap. And maybe tomorrow things will be easier and I will be grateful. But today? Not so much.
The pooping. Still. Really a pain in the ass.
The whole I'm-not-getting-laid thing. Am I that repulsive? Oh wait, see #3.
The weight gain. Gah.
Have no money. Which means no vacation.
Also have no tan. Which is almost as bad as the not getting laid thing.
No meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. Not including the ones I've made up in my head.
My cat is getting old & is totally going to die soon. I've lost lovers, friends, family. Can something I love please not die?
No one loves me. Wah. Wah. Wah.
The Yankees bullpen. I know I don't have any control over this so bitching about it really is pointless but that's never stopped me.
A day after my first stint in the minors I got called up to the big leagues!
Ha! I crack myself up.
Despite losing to the Indians it was a lovely day in the big ballpark in the Bronx.
Wednesday night found MM & I at Dodd Stadium in Norwich CT, home of the Connecticut Defenders, the AA club of the SF Giants. We are now the proud owners of a limited edition Andy Pettitte Rehab Bobblehead. That's right, don't be a hater. It was a most enjoyable time (except for the CT team which lost their 6th in a row). There are some fine looking boys in the minor leagues ladies.
And, as an added bonus, I beat MM at scrabble by 1 point! Not only did I get a 7 letter word, I had it on the triple word square (107 points for one word baby!).
Really great post by Kris over at I'm Not A Girl about being alone (or not). And then I found this site
Quirky Alone, which, wow. There's a name for people like me! Check it out.
A few weeks ago I wrote about being done with a friendship. A friendship that's been a big part of my life for a long time. One of the reasons I've decided to ditch the BF is that I feel she makes no attempt to understand or respect my life choices. Because she's made the safe and predictable ones (married to teenage sweetheart, kids, suburbs) she cannot relate to my life at all. I don't really expect her to truly understand but for chrissake's I expect her to make a freaking effort. I listen to her go on about whatver hubby and domestic crises but whenever I mention some single girl type of problem I get the bum's rush. Sometimes I get the feeling that she thinks her problems are more important (is that the right word?) than mine. Sometimes I get the feeling that she reacts that way because she doesn't have a clue. And doesn't want to because the thought of being on her own scares the shit out of her. My sister is the same way. Never spent a day as an adult living on her own. The thought of that scares the shit out of me.
Going back to the BF, I wonder if I'm analyzing too much? Am I being too sensitive? Too defensive? Maybe. Or maybe it's just time for the friendship to end. Happens all the time. People come and people go. If this was a guy who was blowing me off like that would I be having such a hard time dumping his ass? No. So why should the rules for girl friends be any different?
This song says what I'm feeling (and wishing) rather well.
"Get Away" Rossington Collins Band
I'm feelin' the strain of gettin' nowhere again,
Of living my life in the fast lane.
And I'm feelin' so tired of dreamin' in vain,
And watchin' my hopes in flames.
I got to get away,
I got to get away from the madness, yeah.
I got to get away,
I got to get away by myself.
I got to get away from the takers and their soap-opera scenes.
I got to get away from the fakers who try so hard to please.
Get away from the city life and all the charade.
I got to get away from the busy life and all the masquerade.
Get away, I got to get away from here.
In the darkest of hours when the world is asleep,
I lay here and wonder what's in store for me.
Cause you say that you want me, and then you say you don't.
Today I believe you need me, aw, but tomorrow I think you won't.
I got to get away,
I got to get away from the madness, yeah.
I got to get away,
I got to get away by myself.
Oh, yes I do.
I got to get awayfrom the takers and their soap-opera scenes.
I got to get away from the fakers who try so hard to please.
Get away from the city life and all the charade.
I got to get away from the busy life and all the masquerade.
Get away, I got to get away from here.
Come this time tomorrow, I'll be far from here.
I'm gonna find me a mountain, gonna breathe the air.
I'm gonna shake off the sorrow, gonna shake off the gloom.
I'm gonna leave behind the sadness, I'm gonna be better soon.
But now I got to get away,
I got to get away from the madness inside.
I got to get away,
I got to get away by myself.
I got to get away from the takers and their soap-opera scenes.
I got to get away from the fakers who try so hard to please.
Get away from the city life and all the charade.
I got to get away from the busy life and all the masquerade.
Get away, I got to get away from here.
Lots of birthdays in the month of June -- hope all your birthday wishes come true!
I assume alot of things. I assume that you are an asshole. I assume that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. I assume that I am always right, and you are always wrong.
Seriously, I make alot of assumptions. Whether it's based out of arrogrance, ignorance, stupidity, naivety or whatever, I do. It's wrong, and usually, so are my assumptions (except the one where you're an asshole).
One assumption that my sisters & I always made was that my parents got married because they had to (they got married in Feb. & my oldest sis was born that June, you know, do the math). But we never directly asked and they never said anything.
Until my dad died. The night he died we were talking to my mom about what paperwork she should get together. One of those things was a marriage certificate. My mom says "there's something I need to tell you girls." My sisters & I looked at each other, like "finally." Very smug-like we start to tell my mother that we figured this out ages ago blah blah when she shushes us and tells us a story that totally rocked my world.
Turns out she & my dad secretly got married (well my dad's family knew about since they were only 17 (!!) and needed at least one parent to sign a consent). The reason they got married? My father didn't want to have sex without them being married (OMG!!!!) So they get married, my mother continues to live with her family (who have no idea she's married) and my dad lives with his. And continue to go to HS. And presumably, have legally married sex in the back of my fathers car (let's not go there). And then she gets pregnant. (This next part kills me) My mother, who is married to my father without her parents knowledge, chooses not to tell them she is already married. (Because? I'm not really clear on this -- it wasn't explained thoroughly to me and after that night my mom didn't want to talk about it - I think it was because my mom's family was ultra-religious and my dad's wasn't, even though they shared the same religion). So she tells them she is pregnant, they have a shotgun wedding and 4 months later my sis is born (I'm still not getting this part: you'd rather let them think that you had pre-martial sex (a sin) than were secretly married?).
Of course, being the skeptic that I am, and given the holes in the story (you should have seen me grilling my mom) I totally don't believe a word of this. I mean, really, would you? It just seems awfully convenient, this secret marriage. Remember, this was back in the 50's when it was totally uncool to have have a child before marriage (what a quaint world!). So you can imagine my surprise when my mom produces the marriage certificate that proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, yes, they were married in '55 and then again in '56.
I always assumed my parents got married because they had to. I always assumed it was my mother who pressured my father to get married. I assumed I knew what my parents relationship was when in fact? I knew nothing.
Things I hate: (in no particular order)
blogger. please just fix it already.
people with those huge ass golf umbrellas. HELLO! you're not on the golf course, you're on the streets of manhattan with about a bazillion other people. we are not impressed.
people with those huge ass golf umbrellas who are also text messaging at the same time they are walking down the street. please just die now.
the shoe industry. can you please make a nice dressy sandal with a normal size heel? you know -- for those people that actually have to walk in their shoes. is that too much too ask?
steroids. not talking about the cream & the clear here, just the fucking goddamn prednisone that i'm still taking. 6 months later. oh what i wouldn't do for a zit-free face.
amazon. pray tell - if the book and dvd i ordered are in stock why have you not shipped it out 3 days after i placed my order? don't make me hate you amazon. you will regret it.
myself. for getting all worked up over B. (yet again).
It was '93 (I think) when TCTPMS rewarded us with (another) trip to Hawaii. This time we went to the island of Lanai, which is relatively undeveloped and absolutely breathtaking. I don't think I've ever had so much fun (or so many mai-tai's) as I did that week. Sigh.
A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.
And a happy Monday to you -- I couldn't sleep last night so I wound up watching one of my all time favorite movies for about the eleventh bazillion time. "Bull Durham" is truly is a one of the greatest movies ever. It's sexy and smart, sweet and funny, witty and warm. Kevin Costner was born to play Crash Davis. The scene where he's painting Annie's toenails -- wow. The whole movie is memorable; but here's some of the more memorable quotes:
Crash: "Well I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self- indulgent overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, softcore pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve. And I believe in long slow deep soft wet kisses that last three days."
Annie:"I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball."
If you haven't ever seen this movie because you're thinking "oh it's a baseball movie, b-o-r-i-n-g" you couldn't be more wrong.
"Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."
My BIL celebrated his 50th birthday the other night -- 
Last year I posted a list of players that have played for both the Mets & Yankees -- which had a bunch of duplicates -- so this is the corrected and updated list:
Acevedo, Juan
Aker, Jack
Allen, Neil
Alomar, Sandy
Anderson, Jason
Ashford, Tucker
Benitez, Armando
Berra, Yogi
Boston, Daryl
Bragg, Darren
Burke, Tim
Burris, Ray
Cairo, Miguel
Candelaria, John
Carmel, Duke
Castillo, Albert
Cerone, Rick
Clark, Tony
Cone, David
Cowan, Billy
Delgado, Wilson
Elster, Kevin
Erickson, Scott
Espinoza, Alvaro
Fernandez, Tony
Foli, Tim
Friend, Bob
Garcia, Karim
Gardner, Rob
Gibson, Paul
Gonder, Jesse
Gooden, Doc
Guetterman, Lee
Harris, Greg
Henderson, Rickey
Heredia, Felix
Hernandez, El Duque
Hughes, Keith
Jefferson, Stanely
Johnson, Lance
Kingman, Dave
Lawton, Matt
Leary, Tim
Leiter, Al
Linz, Phil
Lloyd, Graeme
Lombardi, Phil
MacDonald, Rob
Maddox, Elliott
Manzanillo, Josias
Mazzilli, Lee
McDonald, Bob
Medich, Doc
Murray, Dale
Nitkowski, CJ
Ojeda, Bob
Olerud, John
Orosco, Jesse
Pacella, John
Randle, Lenny
Randolph, Willie
Reardon, Jeff
Reniff, Hal
Rogers, Kenny
Sanchez, Rey
Santana, Rafael
Schulze, Don
Short, Bill
Smith, Charley
Spenser, Shane
Staiger, Roy
Stanton, Mike
Strawberry, Daryl
Sturdivant, Tom
Sudakis, Bill
Swoboda, Ron
Tanana, Frank
Tarasco, Tony
Terrell, Walt
Terry, Ralph
Thompson, Ryan
Throneberry, Marv
Tidrow, Dick
Torrez, Mike
Trammell, Bubba
Ventura, Robin
Vizcaino, Jose
Washington, Claudell
Woodling, Gene
Watson, Allen
Weathers, Dave
Whitehurst, Wally
Williams, Gerald
Woodling, Gene
Zeile, Todd
Now I'm trying to put together a list of baseball players and musicians that share the same name. So far I've come up with
Brian Wilson (Beach Boys, Giants)
Bob Welch (Fleetwood Mac, Dodgers)
Steve Howe (Yes, Yankees)
Can you think of any others?
Once again I am going to whine and wonder about B. You know -- the guy that doesn't like me THAT WAY! I can't help it, every freaking time I see this guy I think what a great couple we would make. We connect on so many levels it's ridiculous. And he's nice. And sweet. And smart. And funny. And cute. And gets me. Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall now. Last night we met real quick, he wanted to give me some music (Emmylou Harris/Mark Knopfler, New (used) Cars, and some other Todd). Then I was off to meet my friends S & S where I had a slamming drink (A Dark & Stormy Night) and a quick bite and then home by 8pm so I could catch "The Office" marathon. I've just recently discovered this show and am loving it. LOVING IT. I'm home today and I think I'm going to put together a mixed cd for B. 'Cause he inspires me. Later on it's off to my sisters for the BIL's 50th birthday party. Haven't seen my niece or nephew in a while so that'll be cool. Don't know what else this weekend holds in store but it will include more whining about B. and why doesn't he like me in THAT WAY!
I've been doing alot of mindless bullshit stuff at work this week. And listening to alot of music to help pass the time while I perform these boring and mundane tasks. For whatever reason this song keeps popping up on my not-an-ipod so I thought I'd share it with you. Besides, I'm too tired (what's with that?) to think of anything original to write today.
The Entertainer by Billy Joel
I am the entertainer
And I know just where I stand
Another serenader
And another long-haired band
Today I am your champion
I may have won your hearts
But I know the game, youll forget my name
And I won't be here in another year
If I don't stay on the charts
I am the entertainer
And I've had to pay my price
The things I did not know at first
I learned by doin twice
Ah, but still they come to haunt me
Still they want their say
So I've learned to dance with a hand in my pants
I let em rub my neck and I write em a check
And they go their merry way
I am the entertainer
Been all around the world
I've played all kinds of palaces
And laid all kinds of girls
I can't remember faces
I don't remember names
Ah, but what the hell
You know its just as well
'cause after a while and a thousand miles
It all becomes the same
I am the entertainer
I bring to you my songs
I'd like to spend a day or two
I can't stay that long
No, Ive got to meet expenses
I got to stay in line
Gotta get those fees to the agencies
And I'd love to stay but there's bills to pay
So I just don't have the time
I am the entertainer
I come to do my show
You've heard my latest record
It's been on the radio
Ah, it took me years to write it
They were the best years of my life
It was a beautiful song
But it ran too long
If youre gonna have a hit
You gotta make it fit
So they cut it down to 3:05
I am the entertainer
The idol of my age
I make all kinds of money
When I go on the stage
Ah, youve seen me in the papers
I've been in the magazines
But if I go cold I won't get sold
I'll get put in the back in the discount rack
Like another can of beans
I am the entertainer
And I know just where I stand
Another serenader
And another long-haired band
Today I am your champion
I may have won your hearts
But I know the game, you'll forget my name
I won't be here in another year
If I don't stay on the charts
