That's me and my then-boss on the island of Kauai in '90 or '91. On a trip that TCTPMS paid for. Four-star hotel. Fine gourmet dining. Unlimited booze. Now I have to justify needing Sharpies.
I headed over to Jay's yesterday for a back yard bbq. What should have been a great day hanging out with friends wasn't. I was fucking bored out of my mind and I had to face the fact: I don't really like hanging out with these people anymore. I've been wrestling with these feelings for quite some time, hoping that something, anything would chase these thoughts from my head and it would be like it used to be. But something (me) has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's there. And I didn't want to be there. Not with them. I'm saddened by this, but also relieved. Relieved because I finally admitted to myself something that's been there a while but didn't want to acknowledge. There's alot of other crap floating around in my head about this that I really can't wrap my mind around right now so I think I'm going to go watch "Sleeper Cell" and hang with my cats.
Things I have knocked over/spilled/dropped onto my kitchen floor in the past 48 hours:
- big bowl of peanut M & M's
- bottle of red wine vinegar
- plate of cut up cantelope
- bowl of cashews
- hunk of provolone
- sugar
See why I try to stay out of the kitchen?
Have you ever been watching a sporting event on TV, let's say a baseball game, and you know exactly what the announcers are going to say before they say it? Damon's bat went flying into the stands and then he got a hit. I just KNEW Bobby Murcer was going to say "he didn't like that bat anyway" and he did. Does this mean Murcer is so freaking predictable or I've been watching way too many baseball games?
Congratulations to my former lover, Derek Jeter, on his 2K hit!
I loved this song when it came out in '72 -- although back then I didn't really understand what it was about -- anyway, I loved it then and still love it today. The killer line is "you can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself" - amen to that!
Garden Party - Rick Nelson
I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself
People came from miles around, everyone was there
Yoko brought her walrus, there was magic in the air
over in the corner, much to my surprise
Mr. Hughes hid in Dylan's shoes wearing his disguise
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself
lott-in-dah-dah-dah, lot-in-dah-dah-dah
Played them all the old songs, thought that's why they came
No one heard the music, we didn't look the same
I said hello to "Mary Lou", she belongs to me
When I sang a song about a honky-tonk, it was time to leave
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah
Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Johnny B. Goode
Playing guitar like a-ringin' a bell and lookin' like he should
If you gotta play at garden parties, I wish you a lotta luck
But if memories were all I sang, I rather drive a truck
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah
it's all right now, learned my lesson well
I'm not by ANY definition a fashion plate. If I'm wearing something that's trendy it's more by fluke than design. I never buy/wear something just because it's "in". My criteria is that it's clean, fairly comfortable and hopefully matches. I'm lucky because there is no dress code at work I have the luxury of throwing on jeans and a nice top and I'm dressed. Still, even with those relaxed standards sometimes getting dressed in the morning can be a huge undertaking. And makeup? I don't even own any besides lipstick. We're not even going to discuss the hair. I consider it a victory when I don't look like I stuck my finger in an electrical outlet.
So here I am, little Miss Frump. And I see these women, you know the ones, with not a hair out of place and the 4" heels, the perfectly put together outfit and think how the hell do they do it? How much time and energy do they spend getting ready to leave the house? And how the hell do they continue to look good throughout the day? And how DO they walk in those heels? And I wonder: is it all worth it?
I saw my x the other day and it was weird. Weird because at one time this is the man I loved enough to marry and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And now? He's no more than someone I used to know, a vague memory of another lifetime. Weird because this is the man I once vowed to love for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part and now he's like a friend I haven't seen since high school. We exchange pleasantries, ask how the family is and good to see you's.
A few weeks ago I asked the where does love come from? Now I want to know: where does love go?
what were we, 12? and could my glasses be any bigger?
Big big thanks to Maddie over at girliebits http://girliebits.blogspot.com for fixing my code (whatever that means) and making my blog view-able once again.
More big big thanks to the wonderful MM for driving me around yesterday, taking me to store after store, and helping me cross all those things off my "to buy" list. Some of the items purchased yesterday:
-mattress & boxspring
-toilet seat
-actual clothing that fits
-lightbulbs
-cat food
I know it's silly to be excited but when you don't have a car shopping can be a real hassle. You have to weigh every purchasing decision with "can I carry this"
which can be very irritating if you want to buy anything with any bulk to it. Or more than 2 things. So being able to just throw stuff in the car was such a pleasure. And he wasn't rolling his eyes or looking at his watch, even though I did take a really long time trying on pants. The fun part was the mattress trying out. Any kind of shopping that involves laying down always works for me!
Last but not least, thanks to the creative powers that be over at 24. While I wasn't thrilled with the return of the Chinese subplot I did love the way they brought President Pussy down. And Jack killing that guy with his thighs? Fucking A!! Where the hell did Chloe's shoe-selling ex-husband come from? Anway, once you learn to stop expecting a plot, or any sense, it's a great show. Can't wait for Jan. 2007 for Jack and his cell phone battery that never dies to return.
So I didn't go. Shut up.
Look I have more important things on my mind. Specifically the health of the NY Yankees. Crosby's now on the DL, joining other OF's Matsui & Sheffield. Bernie's butt is hurting, Damon as a cracked bone in his foot and now Posada's back is aching. No surprise, after the hit he took at home plate the other night. And what the fuck is up with Randy Johnson? He is pitching like he's hurt, and if he's not hurt he better get his shit together. And Pavano -- don't even get me started on his wimpy ass. Mo looked better today, thank g*d, I'm beginning to think this is the beginning of the end for him. I mean, how many more pitches do you think he has left in that arm? And another series with the Red Sox this week. Yikes.
And Bonds hit #714* today. For the record Barry it's not about race, it's about you being a liar and a cheater and a dick.
don't you hate it when you have a snippet of a song in your head & you can't remember what the song title is and therefore can't find it on on your not-an-ipod?
there's a sweet september morning, a sense of autumn on the rise..
hey, can I google that? so fucking cool, that so totally worked. what did we do before google? or the internet for that matter? or not-an-ipods? however, as cool and great as all those things are I still stay there's no more important invention than indoor plumbing. we could live without our microwaves and direct tv but having to shit outside? no thank you.
several things on my mind today. the first being how fucking much i hate people. more specifically, fucking smug married people who have no clue what it's like to be unattached and say stupid idiotic shit about stuff they know NOTHING about. situation: there's this reunion thing-y which i'm a bit hesitant to go to for several reasons. one of the reasons is i hate to go to these type of things alone. just walking into any bar/restaurant by myself makes me very uncomfortable. even if i know that on the other side are 20 people i do know. that's just me. when i mentioned this to a certain friend, a certain friend who's been with her spouse since she is 19, therefore never having been a single ADULT, she tells me how stupid that is. WTF? you've never had to go to a social function by yourself (as I have done a million fucking times) and you're me telling it's stupid to feel the way I feel?
FUCK YOU is what i said in my head but kept my mouth shut. walk a mile in my shoes and then talk to me asshole.
more reasons why i am on the fence reunion thing-y wise. i totally look like shit and have absolutely nothing to wear. life was so much easier when i could hide under my winter clothes. another thing? while there will be 3 or 4 people i really want to see there's plenty of people going that i could not give one shit about. also? all the awkward small talk? ACK! i'm gonna see if i can meet up with some of the old buds prior maybe that would work.
actually tomw i'm supposed to go the bridal shower of the stupid-girl-at-work-who won't-shut-up about her wedding. but since i'm all anti-shower that's not happening. seriously? a fucking shower gift on top of the engagement and wedding gift? why do I have to shower you with gifts because you decided to get married? do you remember that sex and the city episode where Carrie registers herself at manolo blahnik? let me see if i can google the quote (i'm loving google today)
Carrie: "Think about if, if you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you...Hallmark doesn't make a "Congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"
amen to that. i'm all about being happy for you but enough is fucking enough. the buck literally stops here. also, the thought of making small talk with a bunch of ladies i don't even know is about as appealing as being run over by a car.
so let's summarize here:
- i hate walking into places alone
- i hate small talk
- i hate how i look
- i definitely hate showers
- i also hate smug married people who make no effort to understand my lifestyle or choices.
oh, one more thing i hate: the subway series. and it kills me the mets are in first place and the yanks are not.
Wouldn't it be funny if the last scene of this season's 24 was of Jack sleeping, with an alarm clock ringing in the background? This way Edgar can come back next season. And Michelle & Tony too.
Improbable, crazy come from behind win(about 12 million times) by the Yanks last night. When Jorge hit the HR I was screaming & jumping like it was Game 7 of the World Series.
I'm back to the situation I was trying to avoid with B. I like spending time with him, enjoy it immensely EXCEPT I always seem to get my expectations up and feelings hurt because although he has made it quite clear he doesn't like me LIKE THAT I seem to think that one day he is going to change his mind. When I know he's not. WHAT DO I DO?
Why can I see my blog from my work computer but not my home computer? Other people have told me they are having problems seeing it too, but I've had my code checked (oh baby!) and everything seems to be fine.
Is it possible that the only thing my co-worker can talk about it is her wedding? Oh lord give me strength -- only 6 more weeks to go.
Today I:
*had a mammogram
*got caught in a torrential downpour
*had to go buy new pants at lunch because the ones I had on were SO soaking wet
With all this rain the last couple of days, "Box of Rain" keeps popping into my head. I'm not a Deadhead at all but I am a child of the 70's and grew up with "American Beauty". And when I hear this song I can't help but picture Lindsay Weir dancing in her room the first time she hears it (Freaks & Geeks -- one of the best shows EVER.) (Seriously.)
Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day.
Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing,
No rain is falling from a heavy sky.
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?
For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.
Walk out of any doorway, feel your way, feel your way like the day before.
Maybe youll find direction,
Around some corner where its been waiting to meet you.
What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you are sleeping?
Then please dont be surprised when you find me dreaming too.
Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear to another day,
Maybe been seen before, through other eyes on other days while going home.
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?
Its all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.
Walk into splintered sunlight,
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land.
Maybe you're tired and broken,
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through.
Just a box of rain, wind and water,
Sun and shower, wind and rain,
In and out the window like a moth before a flame.
And it's just a box of rain, I dont know who put it there,
Believe it if you need it, or leave it if you dare.
And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair;
Such a long long time to be gone, and a short time to be there.
So.
Saturday was a lovely day, spent with someone who's company I really enjoy. We talk about anything and everything, from the mundane to the serious. He's smart, funny, cute in a dorky way, and I totally dig him. He's single, sweet and employed. The fly in the ointment? He's just not into me. Not that way. You know, THAT way. I don't know why (how can you not love me?) but I know that's the way it is. And I've come to accept it and deal with it.
Except.
Not so much.
Anyway.
I spent a good deal of time of yesterday going over Saturday in my head and of course finding a million faults with myself. Why do we do that? Especially when it's something you can't go back and do-over. How much better would life be if we could edit, revise, get it right the second, or third, time. Life as a blog post. Well maybe life wouldn't be so interesting, all that perfection might get boring. But I digress. Did I ever let this poor guy talk? Did I shut up about myself for 5 minutes? Not really. Did I remember to smile and be fun? Not be so fricking morose? Not really. Was I ever not an asshole? Don't think so. Seriously, did I act that bad or is this all in my head? It's not like I can ask him and he's too nice to tell me if I did anyway.
On a totally different note, I kinda have this reunion thing this weekend. Do you think it's possible to lose 30 lbs before Saturday?
Taking advantage of a glorious May day I took a walk yesterday. Accompanied by my friend and former crush B, I journeyed for the first time across the one of the icons of NYC, the Brooklyn Bridge.
Blessed with beautiful blue skies, great company and the stunning skyline of my hometown, it was a day to remember.
Had an interesting morning here at TCTPMS. My boss, myself and a colleague spent the morning interviewing candidates for an open position. What made it so interesting was how differently each of us perceived to be the candidates strenghth's & weaknesses, and also what we each considered a priority. And while we all had different criteria and perspectives we all agreed on who the best choice was. Another thing we all agreed on what that hiring is a crapshoot. The seemingly most qualified person? Could turn out to be a total washout while the other guy? The one that you had some reservations about? Could be a natural. And of course that got me thinking about dating and meeting men. About what a fucking crapshoot it is. How you can meet someone who is seemingly so good on paper (loves cats and is kind to old ladies) and turns out to be the world's biggest dick and the other guy? The one that you had some reservations about (he thought Wedding Crashers was funny) turns out to be a natural. You just really never know. I need to keep my mind and options open and stop making sweeping judgements. Maybe getting the boss and colleague to come with me on the dates wouldn't be such a bad plan either.
Where does love come from? When I was a child, love came easy. When I was a young girl, I left my home. Can you buy it with money? Cause now that I'm a woman and in my prime. Can you buy it with money? Now that I'm a woman and in my prime. Where does love comes from? (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?) (Where does love comes from?)
That was my waking thought yesterday morning. Specifically, what makes two people fall in love? Is it timing, chemistry, fate, luck or some combination of all? What makes two people click? How does that happen? And why isn't it happening to me?
I haven't been in love in a long long time. I miss feeling that connection, that bond. Having a history and shorthand. Knowing that someone has your back. The sharing. The feeling that two hearts do beat as one. You and me against the world. This world can be a cruel lonely place and for a change it would be nice not be all alone in it.
Today's pity party song is, appropriately enough, "Where Does Love Come From" by Gail Davies.
All I did was smile, and they gave it freely.
Everything I wanted was mine alone.
I didn't need to know where love came from.
I took a lot of chances, living on my own.
Making love was just a game I played for fun.
Don't you know I didn't care where love came from?
Is it cheaper than talk?
Bees steal for their honey.
Can you squeeze it from a rock?
Giving in, giving up,
Turning cold, then it's hot.
Is it something that just happens,
Or something I ain't got?
I'm standing here with none, Lord, and I don't know why.
But I wanna know the answer when all is said and done:
Does anybody know where love comes from?
Is it cheaper than talk?
Bees steal for their honey.
Can you squeeze it from a rock?
Giving in, giving up,
Turning cold, then it's hot.
Is it something that just happens,
Or something I ain't got?
I'm standing here with none, Lord, and I don't know why.
But I wanna know the answer when all is said and done:
Does anybody know where love comes from?
From the people that you meet.
From the beggar on the street.
From the stranger in the dark.
From the middle of the heart.
From the child upon your knee.
From the little scented pea.
From the spirit in the sky.
Ooh, tell me why, tell me why, tell me why?
From the stranger in the dark.
From the middle of the heart.
From the middle of the heart.
From the middle of the heart.
From the middle of the heart.
From the middle of the heart.
It's a beautiful day here in NYC, sunny with temps in the high 70's so at lunchtime there was no need for the jacket I wore this a.m. Except I felt so naked and exposed without it. Not only because I have deathly-white winter arms (oh the humanity!) but I've been hiding my layers of fat under layers of clothing. I've gained about 10 lbs in the last few months, on top of the 10 I needed to lose before. Even my fat pants are tight. And with the warm weather there is no place to hide it. The thought of it getting even warmer and having to wear even less has me yearning for freezing temps and cozy layers of fleece. Which is so not me. I've always been about the freedom of the warm weather clothes. Breezy skirts. Cute but not slutty shorts. I guess this means no more M & M's for dinner huh?
These days my not-an-ipod is my primary source of music at work. I've long ago given up on commercial radio and couldn't pick up the signal for FUV, my local college station. Since most of my cd's got put into the n-a-i, I gave away the cd/player/radio, invested $20 in a pair of desktop speakers and haven't looked back. Until a few weeks ago when the speaker wire gave out. Turns out I couldn't just replace the wire since it was inter-connected to the speaker (I still say fuck you Best Buy). So for the last few weeks I've been suffering in silence without my n-a-i, which SUCKED. Finally, I have new speakers in place (LABTEC you are the best!) and I'm back to rocking out during the work day. Life is bearable once again. And since I have it set to shuffle, I'm constantly suprised and amazed at what music comes out. Today for some reason it's totally into Jackson Browne, just about every other song is a JB song. Which really isn't too hard to imagine so I have about 8 bazillion JB songs on here 'cause I do love me my Jackson.
She must be somebody's baby.... gotta to be somebody's baby....
The '06 season is a month old and while the Yanks have gotten off to a very medicore start (how 'bout those Reds) this isn't what this post is about. It also won't be about their inability to win a game at night -- or ARod's total lack of clutch hitability -- or to wonder why, for heaven's sake -- did the Yanks ever sign Jaret Wright and his 7.20 ERA (is that a million for every earned run?)
Instead it will be about how much I totally despise Michael Kay. Do you know why I enjoyed last weekends games vs. Toronto? Not only 'cause the Yanks took 2 out of 3 but because that arrogant pompous dickhead had the weekend off! As much as I love Jim Kaat (soooo much) I hate Michael Kay. Couldn't stand him when he was on the radio (with that other self-important self-absorbed asshole, John Sterling) and I can't stand him on TV. He states the obvious, doesn't know when to shut the hell up, and tries to make everything into a drama. Just hearing his voice raises my blood pressure. If Kitty isn't on the broadcast I'll watch the game w/the sound off -- and if he is, I try to tune MK out (virtually impossible). I'm constantly yelling "shut up you stupid asshole" at the TV. And yet? He continues to blather on. Guess what Michael? I hate you more than I hate David Ortiz.
Rant over. Please feel free to move about the cabin.
This song is pure poetry. Doesn't make a difference if it's S & G or the excellent Yes version.
America
Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together
I've got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and mrs. wagner pies
And we walked off to look for america
Kathy, I said as we boarded a greyhound in Pittsburgh
Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America
Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said be careful his bowtie is really a camera
Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat
We smoked the last one an hour ago
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field
Kathy, I'm lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
As an added bonus, after hearing it on the not-an-ipod the next song to come up was "My Hometown." The perfect segue.
