*thanks to the germ-laden sneezing-all-over-me rug rat on the 1 train i now have a runny nose, sore throat and generally feel like crap.
*why the hell is my tv not working? one minute i'm watching "casablanca" the next i'm staring at a blank screen. fuck. fuck. fuck.
*i'm always fascinated by my fellow ny'ers choice of footwear during inclement weather. why, oh why would you wear stilletto's when there's several inches of snow on the ground? do you think prince charming is going to carry you over the snow piles & slush puddles?
*am i the only person who thinks the oscars (no matter who the host is) are boring?
*does anyone else miss "the wire?" cause i really do.
I'm a bit flabbergasted.
I heard from the HS Sweetheart. For the most part it was an informative and cordial response, except for this part:
You cheated on me too much though although I was no angel either. I remember you going to visit [name redacted] and being with some guy. You also had to have [name redacted]. Isn't it funny, at the time, it seemed so important but thinking back, it was meaningless. Like what you said, we were so young and had no clue what the future holds for us.
This disturbs me. For the record, I cheated on him ONCE. And I just made out with guy (ok, that's not true, we did everything but have sex)(and that should count for something right?)
And what's this where "he was no angel either"? Does that mean what I think it means? What the bloody hell? Who did he cheat on me with? Fucking bastard, I want details now. Names! Dates! Places!
If memory serves me, and a browse through my diaries will prove me correct -- HS Sweetheart & I were quite broken up at the time [name redacted] & I got together. Like, a few months of broken up. So what the hell? And then he says it was "meaningless" -- then why you bringing it up NOW, 26 years later? Geez, I cheated on [name redacted] with his freaking best friend behind his back & he forgave me.
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I just went through my diary and geez, the stuff you forget! It's kinda funny how time edits out a lot of the bullshit. But yes indeed we were long broken up by the time [name redacted] and I hooked up on May 20th (yes, I looked it up) As a matter of fact, this is my diary entry for Feb. 23, 1981:
1 year since... (a year ago on this date we had sex for the first time) well we are definitely over. Sorry to dissappoint him but it's all for the better
I have absolutely no recollection of what prompted that but I do recall we had broken up maybe in Dec?? and then gotten back together maybe a month or so before this 2nd break-up. I also know (thank goodness there is a written record of this stuff) that he tried to reconcile with me for several weeks but eventually he stopped trying.
This has me in a tizzy -- I don't want to respond and be all defensive but it really bothers me that he thinks this way about me. And I really don't want him to think this way about me.
I received a very nice surprise today... a phone call from a childhood friend who I hadn't talked to in ages. She left a message on my work voicemail so I was reallycurious how she got that number. I haven't really given it out to anyone (I don't even think my sisters have it) so I was wondering how did someone I haven't talked to in about 20 bazillion years get it? Yes folks, the magic of google. I've been so busy googling my HS sweetheart I never even googled myself. Well, not since that time I found my name on an unclaimed funds list & wound up with $354 I didn't know about. Anway.... we had a nice chat & got all caught up & all that good stuff. The conversation was filled with lots of "remember when's" and "whatever happened to's?" and brought back so many good memories. Here we are circa 1977 (!) at a slumber party. Guess which one is me?
Some Things I Did This Weekend
- Ate alot of cookies & enjoyed every bite
- Went sledding
- Got my hair cut & colored (so long gray...)
- Watched "Little Miss Sunshine"
- Stalk the HS sweetheart
- Look for a job
- Lose 20 lbs.
- Watch about the 400 hours of General Hospital I have on tape
I'm obsessed with the HS Sweetheart. I can't help it. I cannot stop thinking about him, can't get him out of my head. I had another one of those "Ross-intensive" dreams last night and man, these dreams stick to me harder than the 20 lbs. I need to lose. It doesn't help that today is Valentine's Day. This is where we stand: absolutely fucking nowhere. I sent a truncated truncated version of the letter a few days ago & he hasn't responded. What I even want to accomplish with this I'm not sure. You know what? Who am I kidding? I know what I want to accomplish: I want him to email me back that yes, he thinks of me all the time and often cries himself to sleep because he can't have me. Then we will reunite, fall deeply in love, again, and this time live happily ever after, the end.
And still I wonder why my life fails to live up to my expectations?
The only thing that will get my mind off of him is if my Berger cookies come today (yeah, so much for losing those 20 lbs.) (fuck you, it's Valentines Day) (and I'm alone) (and my mother died on Valentines Day)(and it snowed today).
Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, for me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me
Now I don't mean to be bother to you
But I'm in distress
There's danger of me losing all of my happiness
For I love a girl who doesn't know I exist
And this you can fix So...
Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me
Now, Cupid if your arrow make her love strong for me
I promise I wll love her until eternity
I know between the two of us her heart we can steal
help me if you will So...
Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me
Now, Cupid
don't you hear me
calling you
I need you
Cupid
help me
I need you
Cupid
You know when someone volunteers to do a favor for you and then they don't do it right, and it winds up costing you more $$ to fix their mistake and get the thing done the right way you kinda feel bad bitching it because they were just trying to help but all they succeeded in doing is making the whole thing worse? Well, fuck that. I'm bitching. Now I have to scramble to get the shit done right and I'm pissed off about it. GRRR...
Today I was talking to MS, dscussing our mutual dissatisfaction with our lifes, bemoaning our fates. During the course of the conversation we were throwing ideas around, how to shake things up, get things going, etc. One of her suggestions was that we don't read anything for a week, instead spend that time doing something creative or just thinking. I was so totally freaked out by that suggestion -- so much of my day is spent reading, whether it's a book, magazine, newspaper or websites, I couldn't even entertain that thought. It would be easier for me to give up TV or breathing for that matter. I could see the point she was making, but actually do it? Never.
We actually came up with a plan--more on that later.
And speaking of books, I'm almost finished with one of the best books I've ever read in my life. IN. MY. LIFE. That's alot of books people. If you haven't already, run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore or library and pick up a copy of "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilber. You will not be sorry. Then let me know what you thought.
In 1984 pretty much everyone I loved was still alive. I had no idea what a horrible heartbreaking, soul-crushing, gut-wrenching experience going through the death of a loved one was. Unfortunately she did -- she had already lost so much in her life, her parents having died when she was a girl.
She was 21 when he was born and already the mother of a beautiful little girl. He was an adorable baby, doted on by mom, dad, sister and everyone else. When he died that July day, at the age of 5 months, it was like being in a nightmare that you could not wake up from. She went from being a young mother of two to a grieving parent. The only thing that stopped her from completely falling apart was knowing that she had a child to care for, a child that was too young to understand much beyond that yesterday she had a baby brother and now she didn't.
The funeral was hearbreaking, the coffin so tiny. What was beautiful was the way family and friends rallied around them. I had never seen such an outpouring of love before.
I was there the night he was born; I was there the night he died. Through her I experienced the highs & the lows. The unparalled joy of giving birth & the horror of burying your child. That little boy's life taught me so much about love, compassion and sadness.
I wonder what he would be like today -- would he have his mother's goofy grace and his dad's intellect? Did he inherit her friendly nature, to handle bad situations with such dignity & composure? Did he like airplanes like his dad? I miss this little boy and I grieve for not having the opportunity to have gotten to know him.
I had another one of those intense dreams about the HS sweetheart. Why do I have these dreams? Why are they so intense?
I express my thoughts best is by writing it out -- I think better that way. So I've spent all morning composing this letter --
Dear HS Sweetheart,
It's been so long since I've held you close enough to me...
That's one of the things I love about music, the way hearing a song can unleash so many memories, bringing you back to a time and a place like nothing else can. Thank you for sending me that song. I've been listening to it for days.
I hope you know that the time we were together was so special for me. So many of my "firsts" were with you. I know I was a royal pain in the ass and you put up with me and my crap, and if I never thanked you for that, I would like to do that now.
Over the years I have these intense "Ross" dreams -- for the most part they're not even sexual. These are strong and powerful dreams, the kind of dreams that stick with you long after you're awake. The actual specifics of the dream fade, but not the feelings that they bring. I had another one last night, and I guess that's the reason I feel compelled to write to you today. The dreams make me feel connected to you, even though it's been years since we were connected. Since I don't dream like this about anyone else, I wonder why I have these dreams. Is it because you're such a part of my history, part of who I am? A few years I wrote on essay on the men in my life...
There have been four men in my life that I've had meaningful romantic relationships with. Guys who knew the real me and loved me anyway. Guys who bought me flowers for no other reason than they loved me. Guys who changed my life and have shaped my views on men, relationships and love in general.
The first was Ross. No one was more surprised than me when one of the cutest, nicest guys in school expressed interest in me. Someone who wanted to hang out with me for some other reason than trying to get into my (virgin) pants. It was August 79 and Ross would come down from upstate where he was spending the summer to hang out with me. Take me to the movies. Go to concerts with me. And kiss me. And kiss me. And kiss me. I would come home with razor burn chin and bruised lips. Once school started we were a certified and inseparable couple. After six months of doing everything BUT we had sex. It was like a door to a new world had opened up. But it wasn't just about the sex, we were in LOVE. Absolutely crazy in love. Like any other teenaged relationship eventually it ran its course and we broke up. I never regretted giving him my virginity or my love.
Who are you now? What are you like? I remember a happy-go-lucky kid, with a big grin and twinkly eyes. You loved your music and I'm pretty sure you loved me. Thinking about it now though, how well could I have known you? Hell, I didn't even know myself. I wonder what you're like today. Are you still a nice guy? Are you still incredibly cute and funny? Do you still melt hearts with those baby blues? Has your life turned out the way you expected? What were your dreams then? What are your dreams now?
Maybe hearing stories about high school sweethearts being reunited after years apart trigger these dreams. There's that part of me that thinks these dreams are the universe trying to tell me something. It's just a thought, one not based in reality, I know, I don't have any illusions or delusions about that, but why do I have these dreams? Sometimes they're so disturbing in their intensity, I can't stop thinking about them for days.
Maybe I have these dreams because you represent a time in my life that was pretty near perfect-- you know, before the baggage became baggage, and in retrospect, the problems we had, at least the ones I had, seem relatively minor compared to today. You were so loving, sweet and kind, traits I took for granted back then and have come to appreciate more and more.
Maybe I keep having these dreams because I haven't had much luck with love lately, and sometimes I think I'll never be in love again, like the way it was with us.
Since this letter started with started with a song, I will end it with one.
Do I ever cross your mind
Darlin' do you ever see
Some situation somewhere, somehow
Triggers your memory
And do you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
Do you ever want to know
If all dreams go on endlessly
Or do they just run down
Somehow and gradually become
The custody of that melancholy jailer father time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
Do I ever cross your mind
uninvited - when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
Do I ever cross your mind
Uninvited when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
I hope you are happy, and that your dreams are coming true.
Do I dare send it?
Hooray for
*Friday (and payday to boot!)
*having a nice warm cozy apt. to come home to every night
*flannel -- pj's, sheets & bathrobes
*a certain high school sweetheart emailing me a song that brings back so many good memories
*did I mention Friday?
*Linden's chocolate chip cookies
*spring training in less than 2 weeks
*the kind of book you don't want to finish reading 'cause its' so good
