Sunday, February 04, 2007
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?

I had another one of those intense dreams about the HS sweetheart. Why do I have these dreams? Why are they so intense?

I express my thoughts best is by writing it out -- I think better that way. So I've spent all morning composing this letter --

Dear HS Sweetheart,

It's been so long since I've held you close enough to me...

That's one of the things I love about music, the way hearing a song can unleash so many memories, bringing you back to a time and a place like nothing else can. Thank you for sending me that song. I've been listening to it for days.

I hope you know that the time we were together was so special for me. So many of my "firsts" were with you. I know I was a royal pain in the ass and you put up with me and my crap, and if I never thanked you for that, I would like to do that now.

Over the years I have these intense "Ross" dreams -- for the most part they're not even sexual. These are strong and powerful dreams, the kind of dreams that stick with you long after you're awake. The actual specifics of the dream fade, but not the feelings that they bring. I had another one last night, and I guess that's the reason I feel compelled to write to you today. The dreams make me feel connected to you, even though it's been years since we were connected. Since I don't dream like this about anyone else, I wonder why I have these dreams. Is it because you're such a part of my history, part of who I am? A few years I wrote on essay on the men in my life...

There have been four men in my life that I've had meaningful romantic relationships with. Guys who knew the real me and loved me anyway. Guys who bought me flowers for no other reason than they loved me. Guys who changed my life and have shaped my views on men, relationships and love in general.

The first was Ross. No one was more surprised than me when one of the cutest, nicest guys in school expressed interest in me. Someone who wanted to hang out with me for some other reason than trying to get into my (virgin) pants. It was August 79 and Ross would come down from upstate where he was spending the summer to hang out with me. Take me to the movies. Go to concerts with me. And kiss me. And kiss me. And kiss me. I would come home with razor burn chin and bruised lips. Once school started we were a certified and inseparable couple. After six months of doing everything BUT we had sex. It was like a door to a new world had opened up. But it wasn't just about the sex, we were in LOVE. Absolutely crazy in love. Like any other teenaged relationship eventually it ran its course and we broke up. I never regretted giving him my virginity or my love.

Who are you now? What are you like? I remember a happy-go-lucky kid, with a big grin and twinkly eyes. You loved your music and I'm pretty sure you loved me. Thinking about it now though, how well could I have known you? Hell, I didn't even know myself. I wonder what you're like today. Are you still a nice guy? Are you still incredibly cute and funny? Do you still melt hearts with those baby blues? Has your life turned out the way you expected? What were your dreams then? What are your dreams now?

Maybe hearing stories about high school sweethearts being reunited after years apart trigger these dreams. There's that part of me that thinks these dreams are the universe trying to tell me something. It's just a thought, one not based in reality, I know, I don't have any illusions or delusions about that, but why do I have these dreams? Sometimes they're so disturbing in their intensity, I can't stop thinking about them for days.

Maybe I have these dreams because you represent a time in my life that was pretty near perfect-- you know, before the baggage became baggage, and in retrospect, the problems we had, at least the ones I had, seem relatively minor compared to today. You were so loving, sweet and kind, traits I took for granted back then and have come to appreciate more and more.

Maybe I keep having these dreams because I haven't had much luck with love lately, and sometimes I think I'll never be in love again, like the way it was with us.

Since this letter started with started with a song, I will end it with one.

Do I ever cross your mind
Darlin' do you ever see
Some situation somewhere, somehow
Triggers your memory
And do you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

Do you ever want to know
If all dreams go on endlessly
Or do they just run down
Somehow and gradually become
The custody of that melancholy jailer father time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
Do I ever cross your mind
uninvited - when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

Do I ever cross your mind
Uninvited when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

I hope you are happy, and that your dreams are coming true.

Do I dare send it?


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Name: Lisa Ann
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