mysocalledlife. it's all about me. as it should be.

I Got Nothing

2007-05-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

Nothing to say, nothing to share. I guess if I really was to think about it I could come up with something, anything but I think I'm just going to finish my laundry and watch "The Shield."

Sweet Memories

2007-05-08T19:09:00.000-05:00

Not that I have any recollection of this whatsoever.

Round Up: Another Boring Weekend

2007-05-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

After a lovely dinner out on Friday... well the weekend was pretty much a bust.
Felt like shit (emphasis on shit) yesterday and didn't do crap (get it??). I slept alot,watched "Little Children" which was good (although a bit long for my taste) and about a bazillion episodes of General Hospital (Note to Sam: Shut the Fuck Up With Your Crying Already). Today was all about taking care of the bullshit chores that never seem to end. And of course, watching the Yanks (and the ensuing circus that accompanies the return of Roger Clemens).

Of note: got a nice email back from HS Sweetie. Suprisingly, because I thought my missive to him was a little "out there" ....

Just wondering, is this the longest regular season postgame show ever?

Happy 12th birthday to a wonderful kid... my buddy

As For Me

2007-05-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

If you recall (and you must because I'm having problems linking - it was in Feb.) a few months ago I wrote about receiving an email from the HS sweetheart and not being sure how to respond to him -- so I didn't. And yesterday I got an email from him wondering why I didn't respond.

This is what I came up with:
#############################################
Why It’s Taken Me So Long To Respond To Your E-Mail

At first, I was really pissed at you. I cheated on you ONCE. ONE TIME. I didn’t even have sex with him. I can't believe you brought that up. 26 years later.

“I was no angel either” -- well then I was really pissed at you. Of course, I realize we are talking ancient history, water under the bridge, blah, blah.

For the record (and I looked this up in my diary from 1980) – we broke up months before I got with Brendan. And if it makes you feel any better, I cheated on him too (with his best friend no less) (which he totally forgave me for).

Then you really fucked me up by asking “how did my life turn out?” I was trying to answer and it got me to thinking, and man, did I get depressed. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. So I did what I normally do when I don’t like something. I ignored it and hoped it would go away. Which it did. But I you were kind enough to answer my questions so I shall answer yours.

It’s funny that you said I was always driven and pretty much got what I wanted. . The truth is I never truly knew what I wanted. Still don’t. I know what I don’t want and go from there. Which, I know is totally ass backwards.

I was involved with someone for a very long time, someone I cared for and loved very much. Unfortunately he loved his drugs a little more than he loved me. Even after we weren’t romantically involved anymore we were very close until he died in 1996. I’ve found it hard to truly connect with anyone else since.

My parents died 6 years ago, 3 months apart. That was a very hard time in my life. Despite my rebellious teen years I was very close with them and still grieve their loss. My mother was a huge pain in my ass and what I wouldn’t give to hear her nag me once more.

Up until this past fall I had a job that I truly enjoyed and was good at. I was there for a long time; now I know I stayed too long. My company was sold and merged with several other magazines. I still have a job, but no longer have my job. I was demoted and hate it. HATE IT.

Now you know my sad tale of woe. Please don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I’m about to jump off a bridge. There are plenty of happy times and bright moments. It’s just that when I examine the choices I’ve made and think about all the people that are gone from my life it freaks me the hell out.

###########################################################################

2 Years & Some 400 + Posts Later...

2007-04-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

Wow. This weekend MSCL celebrates it's 2ND birthday. The terrible two's. In honor of this auspicious occasion I'm NOT going to write about the Yankees and how much they suck right now. Instead, I give you... Sweet Baby James.

There is a young cowboy he lives on the range
His horse and his cattle are his only companions
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons
Waiting for summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises he sits by his fire
Thinking about women and glasses of beer
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire
He sings out a song which is soft but its clear
As if maybe someone could hear

(chorus)
Goodnight you moonlight ladies
Rockabye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Wont you let me go down in my dreams
And rockabye sweet baby James

Now the first of December was covered with snow
And so was the turnpike from stockbridge to boston
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me

Free Bird It Ain't

2007-04-26T19:04:00.000-05:00

Out of all the song lyrics in the world why the hell is this floating around in my head?

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai la tête
Je te plumerai la tête
Et la tête, et la tête
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

NYC Haiku

2007-04-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

Lilacs are in bloom
homeless men urinating
springtime in new york

The sun is shining
girls in their flip flops are out
get out of my way

Man Oh Man

2007-04-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

For the past 8 years I've worked in a office dominated by men. Oh sure there was always 1 or 2 women besides me but my office was definitely a man's world. And I liked it. I liked it because I've always thought that I think like a man (but with more common sense). I liked it because they are predictable, easy-going and do not care less what brand of jeans you are wearing.

Now, it's totally the other way around. 90% of the staff is female and man, women are fucking BITCHES. CATTY FUCKING BITCHES. And judging by the ladies room, fucking pigs too.

2 Weeks After The Fact: Me & The Boys

2007-04-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

finally got the camera transer thingy to work!

If I Were In Charge

2007-04-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

Things That Would Be Banned From Midtown Manhattan At Rush Hour

Dog walking (especially if the dogs look at me with Cujo-like eyes)
People with those stupid wheelie bags (especially if they're on the phone & not paying attention to where they're going - I mean you asshole on 34th & Madison)
Out-of-town drivers
Out-of-town pedestrians
Those goddamned sidewalk-hogging double-wide strollers

So True, So True

2007-04-16T18:52:00.000-05:00

There are many versions of this song out there; my favorite is the Allman Brothers Band (Fillmore East version). Gregg Allman has one of the sexiest voices. Ever. and totally nails this song.

Stormy Monday (T-Bone Walker)

They call it stormy monday
But Tuesday's just as bad.
They call it stormy Monday
But Tuesday's just as bad.
Lord, and Wednesday's worse
And Thursday's all so sad.

The eagle flies on Friday,
Saturday I go out to play.
The eagle flies on Friday,
Saturday I go out to play.
Sunday I go to church,
Gonna kneel down and pray.

Lord have mercy,
Lord have mercy on me.
Lord have mercy,
Lord have mercy on me.
Though I'm tryin and tryin to find my baby,
Won't someone please send her home to me.

Playing Catch (Up)

2007-04-15T16:08:00.000-05:00

Just because 3 out of 5 of the Yankees starting rotation is on the DL is no reason to be worried. Or so I keep telling myself. Fucking Cry Baby Pavano. And what the hell is going on with all the errors? They look like Team Butterfingers out there.

Had a good birthday -- went to Shea with J and froze our rear ends off. But the Mets lost so I was happy! And MM was also at the game so we got to hang out for a couple of innings.

My birthday present to myself this year was I finally got TiVo -- hello 21st century. Maybe now I won't get "The World According to Jim" when I really wanted "Lost." Maybe.

Went to see the niece & nephew yesterday which was really nice until the nephew got into a car accident. Thankfully he was ok, and he didn't kill anyone.

And today? Today I'm enjoying not having to step outside into this wet, wet, wet day. It has been pouring (as in the cats & dogs variety) nonstop for hours. I'm happy to be inside where I'm warm and dry.

43 Can Kiss My Big Fat White Ass

2007-04-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

44 has got to be better, right?

Yesterday's News

2007-04-08T17:36:00.000-05:00

Yanks win 10-7 on A-Rod's walk-off grand slam

Yesterday was my first game of the season and also Justin's first Yankee game.

I would love to share the pictures that I took but for some reason the pictures are not transfering. While that sucks, the Yanks did not. Well, at the beginning of the game they did but then they made it worth freezing our butts off.

Another Reason Why I Hate My Job

2007-04-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

This was a note circulated to the staff today:

Please note that when we go for our company-wide celebratory luncheon on the 19th of April, we will be stopping for a moment to have a group photo taken for publication in TCTPMS newsletter. To create the best possible image, please give a little thought to your attire for that day. After discussion with [redacted] and [redacted], the advice on this seems to run to solid, muted colors; avoid loud prints and overmuch black. No jeans.

Game 1

2007-04-04T20:47:00.000-05:00

A lucky co-worker had tickets to Opening Day and was nice enough to take some pictures for me. I can't wait til Sat. when it's my turn.

Dinner @ Mama Lia's House

2007-04-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

It took me 2 buses & 3 trains to get there but it was worth it!

The food and the company were both outstanding.

Happy Opening Day!

2007-04-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

I'm so frigging happy -- baseball is back!

Why doesn't Hallmark make a card for this occaision?

Countdown

2007-03-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

5 days to Opening Day!
6 days to The Shield!
9 days to my first game of the season!
11 days to my birthday!

I love April!

8 More Days

2007-03-25T17:45:00.000-05:00

Is it some kind of omen that while during my spring cleaning frenzy today I knocked over the Andy Pettitte bobblehead?

Feel better Andy, I've waited 3 whole years to see you back in the 'stripes.

Closet Case

2007-03-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

The advent of spring has made me take a cold hard look at my closet. Which made me very depressed because I realized that I have no! none! clothes that fit me. So this morning I headed out for that particular torture known as shopping. I can't stand the crowds, the rudeness, the trying-on and oh yeah, the paying. Just finding something I want to try on is a challenge. I'm quite fussy about the fabrics that touch my body, I can't stand the thought of wearing anything polyester. It especially doesn't make sense for warmer weather clothes - it's like wearing a plastic bag. And then of course there's the whole size thing. No matter how much weight I lose or gain no size fits me right. I have some sort of freaky body shape going on. Big stomach + wide hips + narrow top + plus the whole petite thing equals Lisa standing in the try on room crying. Good times I tell you. I did come away with a few tops (cotton is fashion! yeah!) and without killing anyone. I came very close to pushing this one German tourist girl down the escalator in Macy's (oh so tempting) and when did it become acceptable for store clerks to process your payment without even acknowledging your presence?

Back To My Usual Crap

2007-03-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

I have a disease. It’s not contagious or life-threatening but it is life-altering. It means I can’t just run out the door at a moment’s notice, sometimes I can’t leave the house at all. It means that I define my life by good days & bad. It means that I’m always thinking and worrying about my bodily functions. Sometimes it means I have to cancel plans last minute. It definitely means that I have had to change the way I live my life.

What really pisses me off is how some people react to this. To get people to understand what I’m going through I tell them to imagine the worst case of the runs they ever had, then multiple by 10. That’s what I usually deal with every day. And that’s a good day. Just because it’s not something you can see, or something you haven’t heard about before doesn’t make it any less serious or fucked up for me. And when I tell you I can’t eat a certain food you are preparing (for the dinner which you invited me to!) don’t tell me “just to eat around it”. Or when I cancel plans don't say “you were fine on Sunday" or "what else is new." That's not being very nice and that’s not being a friend, that’s being an asshole.

Happy Happy Joy Joy - Hey, I'm Trying

2007-03-21T17:55:00.000-05:00

I feel like Tarahas challenged me to write a happy post – and challenging it is for about a bazillion reasons you care nothing about. I sit here searching my brain for some good news to share:

*Less than 2 weeks to go til opening day.

*I got some new kick-ass sunglasses.

*Our every Tuesday early morning meeting has been changed to every other week.

*I love it when the BF’s kids talk about the excursions and things we’ve done together. It totally confirms what I’ve known all along (I rock) but what really thrills me is the tone they use – they are almost bragging –but not quite-like, we get to do these cool things and you don’t.

*Todd R. is doing some touring in the northeast this spring & we might go to AC to see him.

*There are 3 paydays in March, not just the usual two. That means I have some money to pay for my new kick-sunglasses.

Wow, 6 things and that didn’t even take very long. I’m impressed.

Oh, and this!
had me laughing my ass off.

I Thought I Saw a Puddy Cat

2007-03-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

The Letter

2007-03-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Dear A-Rod,
Shut up already. You are a dickwad. Please stop it now. Thank you.
******************************************************************************
Dear Mr. I'm-Walking-Up-The-Stairs-In-A-Crowded-Train-Station-Yet-I-Still-Need-To-Text-As-I-Walk:

You too are a dickwad. Please stop it now. Thank you.
*****************************************************************************

Dear Intenstines:
You are making my life a living hell. Please stop it now. Thank you.
***************************************************************************

Just Askin'

2007-03-13T17:43:00.000-05:00

If misery loves company why the hell am I still alone?

What Am I, Fucking Duane Reade?

2007-03-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

things that people asked me for today at work:

-stamp
-cigarette
-gum
-tylenol

I Have Nothing to Say. Except for This

2007-03-04T11:55:00.000-05:00

I have alot on my mind, yet strangely I have nothing to say. In lieu of anything substantial here's MSCL reviews of some recent ways I've been spending (wasting?) my time:

Movies
Notes on a Scandal - excellent. worth the $12.
The Departed - quite good. except I was a little confused at the end. loved the use of "gimme shelter" in the beginning. as good as Goodfellas? nah.

TV
24-stupid. yet I keep watching so whose the stupid one?
Lost-even stupider than 24. how much longer will I keep watching?
The Office-absolutely fucking brilliant.

achoo! rumblings from my life

2007-02-26T18:55:00.000-05:00

*thanks to the germ-laden sneezing-all-over-me rug rat on the 1 train i now have a runny nose, sore throat and generally feel like crap.

*why the hell is my tv not working? one minute i'm watching "casablanca" the next i'm staring at a blank screen. fuck. fuck. fuck.

*i'm always fascinated by my fellow ny'ers choice of footwear during inclement weather. why, oh why would you wear stilletto's when there's several inches of snow on the ground? do you think prince charming is going to carry you over the snow piles & slush puddles?

*am i the only person who thinks the oscars (no matter who the host is) are boring?

*does anyone else miss "the wire?" cause i really do.

I'm Not A Slut! I Swear! I Have Proof!

2007-02-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit flabbergasted.

I heard from the HS Sweetheart. For the most part it was an informative and cordial response, except for this part:

You cheated on me too much though although I was no angel either. I remember you going to visit [name redacted] and being with some guy. You also had to have [name redacted]. Isn't it funny, at the time, it seemed so important but thinking back, it was meaningless. Like what you said, we were so young and had no clue what the future holds for us.

This disturbs me. For the record, I cheated on him ONCE. And I just made out with guy (ok, that's not true, we did everything but have sex)(and that should count for something right?)

And what's this where "he was no angel either"? Does that mean what I think it means? What the bloody hell? Who did he cheat on me with? Fucking bastard, I want details now. Names! Dates! Places!

If memory serves me, and a browse through my diaries will prove me correct -- HS Sweetheart & I were quite broken up at the time [name redacted] & I got together. Like, a few months of broken up. So what the hell? And then he says it was "meaningless" -- then why you bringing it up NOW, 26 years later? Geez, I cheated on [name redacted] with his freaking best friend behind his back & he forgave me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just went through my diary and geez, the stuff you forget! It's kinda funny how time edits out a lot of the bullshit. But yes indeed we were long broken up by the time [name redacted] and I hooked up on May 20th (yes, I looked it up) As a matter of fact, this is my diary entry for Feb. 23, 1981:

1 year since... (a year ago on this date we had sex for the first time) well we are definitely over. Sorry to dissappoint him but it's all for the better

I have absolutely no recollection of what prompted that but I do recall we had broken up maybe in Dec?? and then gotten back together maybe a month or so before this 2nd break-up. I also know (thank goodness there is a written record of this stuff) that he tried to reconcile with me for several weeks but eventually he stopped trying.

This has me in a tizzy -- I don't want to respond and be all defensive but it really bothers me that he thinks this way about me. And I really don't want him to think this way about me.

I Got Googled!

2007-02-20T18:55:00.000-05:00

I received a very nice surprise today... a phone call from a childhood friend who I hadn't talked to in ages. She left a message on my work voicemail so I was reallycurious how she got that number. I haven't really given it out to anyone (I don't even think my sisters have it) so I was wondering how did someone I haven't talked to in about 20 bazillion years get it? Yes folks, the magic of google. I've been so busy googling my HS sweetheart I never even googled myself. Well, not since that time I found my name on an unclaimed funds list & wound up with $354 I didn't know about. Anway.... we had a nice chat & got all caught up & all that good stuff. The conversation was filled with lots of "remember when's" and "whatever happened to's?" and brought back so many good memories. Here we are circa 1977 (!) at a slumber party. Guess which one is me?

Don't Read This Post! Unless You Can Stand the Excitement

2007-02-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

Some Things I Did This Weekend

Ate alot of cookies & enjoyed every bite
Went sledding
Got my hair cut & colored (so long gray...)
Watched "Little Miss Sunshine"

Some Things I Didn't Do This Weekend

Stalk the HS sweetheart
Look for a job
Lose 20 lbs.
Watch about the 400 hours of General Hospital I have on tape

i need help -- or at least a life -- or some cookies

2007-02-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

I'm obsessed with the HS Sweetheart. I can't help it. I cannot stop thinking about him, can't get him out of my head. I had another one of those "Ross-intensive" dreams last night and man, these dreams stick to me harder than the 20 lbs. I need to lose. It doesn't help that today is Valentine's Day. This is where we stand: absolutely fucking nowhere. I sent a truncated truncated version of the letter a few days ago & he hasn't responded. What I even want to accomplish with this I'm not sure. You know what? Who am I kidding? I know what I want to accomplish: I want him to email me back that yes, he thinks of me all the time and often cries himself to sleep because he can't have me. Then we will reunite, fall deeply in love, again, and this time live happily ever after, the end.

And still I wonder why my life fails to live up to my expectations?

The only thing that will get my mind off of him is if my Berger cookies come today (yeah, so much for losing those 20 lbs.) (fuck you, it's Valentines Day) (and I'm alone) (and my mother died on Valentines Day)(and it snowed today).

Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, for me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now I don't mean to be bother to you
But I'm in distress
There's danger of me losing all of my happiness
For I love a girl who doesn't know I exist
And this you can fix So...

Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now, Cupid if your arrow make her love strong for me
I promise I wll love her until eternity
I know between the two of us her heart we can steal
help me if you will So...

Cupid draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now, Cupid
don't you hear me
calling you
I need you
Cupid
help me
I need you
Cupid

Favor Schmavor

2007-02-12T18:54:00.000-05:00

You know when someone volunteers to do a favor for you and then they don't do it right, and it winds up costing you more $$ to fix their mistake and get the thing done the right way you kinda feel bad bitching it because they were just trying to help but all they succeeded in doing is making the whole thing worse? Well, fuck that. I'm bitching. Now I have to scramble to get the shit done right and I'm pissed off about it. GRRR...

Read Between The Lines

2007-02-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today I was talking to MS, dscussing our mutual dissatisfaction with our lifes, bemoaning our fates. During the course of the conversation we were throwing ideas around, how to shake things up, get things going, etc. One of her suggestions was that we don't read anything for a week, instead spend that time doing something creative or just thinking. I was so totally freaked out by that suggestion -- so much of my day is spent reading, whether it's a book, magazine, newspaper or websites, I couldn't even entertain that thought. It would be easier for me to give up TV or breathing for that matter. I could see the point she was making, but actually do it? Never.

We actually came up with a plan--more on that later.

And speaking of books, I'm almost finished with one of the best books I've ever read in my life. IN. MY. LIFE. That's alot of books people. If you haven't already, run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore or library and pick up a copy of "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilber. You will not be sorry. Then let me know what you thought.

He Would've Been 23 Today

2007-02-09T18:55:00.000-05:00

In 1984 pretty much everyone I loved was still alive. I had no idea what a horrible heartbreaking, soul-crushing, gut-wrenching experience going through the death of a loved one was. Unfortunately she did -- she had already lost so much in her life, her parents having died when she was a girl.

She was 21 when he was born and already the mother of a beautiful little girl. He was an adorable baby, doted on by mom, dad, sister and everyone else. When he died that July day, at the age of 5 months, it was like being in a nightmare that you could not wake up from. She went from being a young mother of two to a grieving parent. The only thing that stopped her from completely falling apart was knowing that she had a child to care for, a child that was too young to understand much beyond that yesterday she had a baby brother and now she didn't.

The funeral was hearbreaking, the coffin so tiny. What was beautiful was the way family and friends rallied around them. I had never seen such an outpouring of love before.

I was there the night he was born; I was there the night he died. Through her I experienced the highs & the lows. The unparalled joy of giving birth & the horror of burying your child. That little boy's life taught me so much about love, compassion and sadness.

I wonder what he would be like today -- would he have his mother's goofy grace and his dad's intellect? Did he inherit her friendly nature, to handle bad situations with such dignity & composure? Did he like airplanes like his dad? I miss this little boy and I grieve for not having the opportunity to have gotten to know him.

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?

2007-02-04T14:19:00.000-05:00

I had another one of those intense dreams about the HS sweetheart. Why do I have these dreams? Why are they so intense?

I express my thoughts best is by writing it out -- I think better that way. So I've spent all morning composing this letter --

Dear HS Sweetheart,

It's been so long since I've held you close enough to me...

That's one of the things I love about music, the way hearing a song can unleash so many memories, bringing you back to a time and a place like nothing else can. Thank you for sending me that song. I've been listening to it for days.

I hope you know that the time we were together was so special for me. So many of my "firsts" were with you. I know I was a royal pain in the ass and you put up with me and my crap, and if I never thanked you for that, I would like to do that now.

Over the years I have these intense "Ross" dreams -- for the most part they're not even sexual. These are strong and powerful dreams, the kind of dreams that stick with you long after you're awake. The actual specifics of the dream fade, but not the feelings that they bring. I had another one last night, and I guess that's the reason I feel compelled to write to you today. The dreams make me feel connected to you, even though it's been years since we were connected. Since I don't dream like this about anyone else, I wonder why I have these dreams. Is it because you're such a part of my history, part of who I am? A few years I wrote on essay on the men in my life...

There have been four men in my life that I've had meaningful romantic relationships with. Guys who knew the real me and loved me anyway. Guys who bought me flowers for no other reason than they loved me. Guys who changed my life and have shaped my views on men, relationships and love in general.

The first was Ross. No one was more surprised than me when one of the cutest, nicest guys in school expressed interest in me. Someone who wanted to hang out with me for some other reason than trying to get into my (virgin) pants. It was August 79 and Ross would come down from upstate where he was spending the summer to hang out with me. Take me to the movies. Go to concerts with me. And kiss me. And kiss me. And kiss me. I would come home with razor burn chin and bruised lips. Once school started we were a certified and inseparable couple. After six months of doing everything BUT we had sex. It was like a door to a new world had opened up. But it wasn't just about the sex, we were in LOVE. Absolutely crazy in love. Like any other teenaged relationship eventually it ran its course and we broke up. I never regretted giving him my virginity or my love.

Who are you now? What are you like? I remember a happy-go-lucky kid, with a big grin and twinkly eyes. You loved your music and I'm pretty sure you loved me. Thinking about it now though, how well could I have known you? Hell, I didn't even know myself. I wonder what you're like today. Are you still a nice guy? Are you still incredibly cute and funny? Do you still melt hearts with those baby blues? Has your life turned out the way you expected? What were your dreams then? What are your dreams now?

Maybe hearing stories about high school sweethearts being reunited after years apart trigger these dreams. There's that part of me that thinks these dreams are the universe trying to tell me something. It's just a thought, one not based in reality, I know, I don't have any illusions or delusions about that, but why do I have these dreams? Sometimes they're so disturbing in their intensity, I can't stop thinking about them for days.

Maybe I have these dreams because you represent a time in my life that was pretty near perfect-- you know, before the baggage became baggage, and in retrospect, the problems we had, at least the ones I had, seem relatively minor compared to today. You were so loving, sweet and kind, traits I took for granted back then and have come to appreciate more and more.

Maybe I keep having these dreams because I haven't had much luck with love lately, and sometimes I think I'll never be in love again, like the way it was with us.

Since this letter started with started with a song, I will end it with one.

Do I ever cross your mind
Darlin' do you ever see
Some situation somewhere, somehow
Triggers your memory
And do you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

Do you ever want to know
If all dreams go on endlessly
Or do they just run down
Somehow and gradually become
The custody of that melancholy jailer father time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
Do I ever cross your mind
uninvited - when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

Do I ever cross your mind
Uninvited when you're lonely
Or does that only, only happen to me
And don't you ever wonder
What became of all the time
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind
And darlin' do I ever, ever cross your mind

I hope you are happy, and that your dreams are coming true.

Do I dare send it?

Hip Hip

2007-02-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hooray for

*Friday (and payday to boot!)
*having a nice warm cozy apt. to come home to every night
*flannel -- pj's, sheets & bathrobes
*a certain high school sweetheart emailing me a song that brings back so many good memories
*did I mention Friday?
*Linden's chocolate chip cookies
*spring training in less than 2 weeks
*the kind of book you don't want to finish reading 'cause its' so good

Take The Damn Bloody Sock & Stick It Where the Sun Don't Shine

2007-01-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

Go to hell Curt Shilling

Geez, he makes it sound like the Yanks were beating down his door. What a dickwad.

Ho Fucking Hum

2007-01-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

Gah. I am boring myself with my boringness. I never do anything anymore. I go to work and come home. Every night. Every fucking night. Once in a while I'll go have a drink or a quick dinner with a friend but that's maybe once a month. And besides complaining about my job or how shitty I feel what do I have to talk about? I can't think of the last time I did anything new or different or just not so fucking boring. Luckily the cats don't mind that I'm the Queen of Boring.

Aches & Pains

2007-01-27T20:43:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I ache like a motherfucker and all I want to do is sleep. I slept until 10:30 this morning and I don't ever do that. Usually I'm up by 8:30 or so on the weekends; plus I was in bed by 10 last night so that's alot of sleep. It's not the flu -- I think it has to do with me going off the prednisone. After 13 months of steroids, I finally stopped taking them. And now I feel like crap. I did some internet research and sure enough, fatigue and muscle pain are signs of prednisone withdrawal. Coincidence? I don't know but I hope this shit passes quickly 'cause this shit sucks.

Life'll Kill You

2007-01-24T19:12:00.001-05:00

So the other night was the stupid black-tie work thing; it wasn't bad, it wasn't good, just another bullshit thing I had to endure. Alot of self-congratulating, posturing and one very long boring speech. The food was horrid, I was ravenous by the time I got home -- thank goodness for poptarts! And did I mention the feet hurting? Oh lord, were they ever. And you know what? There are muscles in your legs that hurt like fucking hell when you never wear heels.

But enough! of my blathering. This post is not about me (shocking I know) but one of the true originals in the music world. Today would have been Warren Zevon's 60th birthday. Zevon was a devastatingly talented songwriter; he was an astute chronicler of life and love, and his wit and talent are greatly missed.

In honor of this occasion, I give you one of the greatest songs he wrote *IMHO*.

Hasten Down The Wind
She tells him she thinks she needs to be free
He tells her he doesn't understand
She takes his hand
She tells him nothing's working out the way they planned

She's so many women
He can't find the one who was his friend
So he's hanging on to half her heart
He can't have the restless part
So he tells her to hasten down the wind

Then he agrees he thinks she needs to be free
Then she says she'd rather be with him
But it's just a whim
By which she hopes to keep him on the limb

She's so many women
He can't find the one who was his friend
So he's hanging on to half her heart
He can't have the restless part
So he tells her to hasten down the wind

To Do

2007-01-20T16:42:00.000-05:00

Laundry - check (ok, only half a check, I still have some more to do)
Grocery shopping - check
Washing kitchen & bathroom floors - check
Putting away all the clothes I threw on the chair during the week - check
Lay on the couch & finish re-watching S4 of "The Wire" - check
Break in new shoes - not yet
Make some gut-warming chili - not yet

If It's Wednesday It Must Wednesday

2007-01-17T19:08:00.000-05:00

Winter has finally arrived in the Northeast and damn! I did not miss the ass-biting cold one bit; I was rather enjoying the global-warmingness.

Since this is turning into the "How Much Lisa Hates Her Job & Just Cant Shut Up About It" blog I'll fill you on the latest goings-on at TCTMPS. Monday night is big to-do black tie event where attendance is mandatory. Just what I want to do - get dressed up and make small talk with strangers. Don't they know that Monday nights are dedicated to the exploits of a certain CTU agent?

I scoured the discount racks last weekend and came up with a not-quite-as-fancy-as my-boss-would-probably-like-outfit but FUCK YOU! If you ain't paying for it, you don't get a saying in it is how I'm thinking. My goal was too pull something together for under a hundred bucks -- which I thankfully was able to do. But back to the point -- that being I HATE MY JOB! Don't get me wrong, most of my co-workers are very nice people, some of whom I would have no objection to going out and having a drink with. But a black tie fucking bullshit gala? And this is after having to work all day and be right back there again bright & early Tuesday morning.

I must stop blogging now and go curl up on the couch with my blanky, kitty and S4 of the Wire.

My Boyfriend's Back!

2007-01-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

If you are fan of 24
you must read this!

Excuse me I must go set up a perimter now!

John Cougar

2007-01-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

In 1980 I saw the Kinks at Nassau Coliseum with a relative unknown as the opening act. John Cougar was promoting "Nothing Mattered and What If It Did", his second album. He had already achieved some modicum of fame, having authored "I Need A Lover" which was a huge hit for Pat Benatar. Fast forward to 1982 and the release of "American Fool" and JCM was an unknown no more. In 1985 he released "Scarecrow" which remains one of my favorite albums. Especially this song, which 20 years later, hits home more than ever.

Between A Laugh & A Tear
*with great vocals by Rickie Lee Jones

When paradise is no longer fit for you to live in
And your adolescent dreams are gone
Through the days you feel a little used up
And you don't know where your energys gone wrong
It's just your soul feelin a little downhearted
Sometimes life is too ridiculous to live
You count your friends all on one finger
I know it sounds crazy just the way that we live

Chorus:
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'

When this cardboard town can no longer amuse you
You see through everything and nothin' seems worthwhile
And hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don't seem to mean anything to you now
Just try to live each and every precious moment
Don't be discouraged by the future forget the past
That's old advice but it'll be good to you
I know there's a balance see it when I swing past

Chorus:
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin

Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'

When paradise can no longer amuse you.....

Frank Thomas Was His Bitch

2007-01-13T16:57:00.000-05:00

Warming up in the bullpen #43

On December 7, 1995 one of the best trades the Yankees ever made took place, with the Yankees sending Sterling Hitchcock & Russ Davis to Seattle for Tino Martinez, Jeff Nelson and Jim Mecir. While Mecir never made an impact, both Tino and Nellie contributed greatly to the 4 most recent World Series titles.

Best of luck to you Nellie.

Things I Miss (In No Order of Importance)

2007-01-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

Buffalo chicken wings with bleu cheese.
Impromptu family dinners.
A warm human body in my bed, waiting to make love to me.
Freaks & Geeks.
Friday night out with the girls (or any night for that matter).
WNEW-FM.
Cutting class and going to the beach instead.

It Bears Repeating

2007-01-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job.I hate my job. I hate my job. I fucking hate hate hate it! Hate is not strong enough of a word -- think despise, detest, abhor, loathe.

Thank You

2007-01-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

Thank you MTA for making what should have been a no-more-than-30-minute subway ride take over an hour and half.

Thank you Staples for making me wait in line for over 20 minutes and selling me a defective mouse.

Thank you scammers for trying to scam me. If you want my money, you're going to have to do better than this.

(If this information is correct you are all set. Hello? Scammers? Maybe you should invest a little money in hiring someone who actually knows how to write a business letter.)

Seriously, this letter stopped me in my tracks. Because I hadn't moved and hadn't requested any change of address. After reading the letter through a few times I realized that it was con. I compared the phone # on the letter to the phone # on my card and of course, it was different. Just out of curiosity I called the # in the letter and in order to do anything you have to enter your whole credit card #. Which is how they get you.

So Long, Farewell

2007-01-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

don't let the door hit you on the way out

When the Yanks traded for Johnson a few years ago I was mildly excited. Then the season started, and while he didn't exactly suck, he wasn't exactly the Big Intimidating Unit either. This year was worse -- more like the Ghost of Randy Johnson. While I agree he's a Hall of Famer, he wasn't exactly a legend in pinstripes -- just another expensive acquistion who didn't produce (yes, A-Rod, I'm talking 'bout you) especially in the postseason. You might say Johnson went flacid while with the Yanks.

39 days til pitchers & catchers --

- The First I Hate My Job Post of 2007 -

2007-01-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

It was a shock to the system when the alarm clock went off this morning. After 5 days of doing virtually nothing it was time to get back to work and get out of the pjs. I don't know who was sadder this morning, me or the cats. Probably me since I was the one who actually had to leave the cozy confines of my fortress of solitude.

And I promised myself I wasn't going to let the bullshit and assholes at work get to me. I was going to have a better attitude and keep a smile on my face. How long do you think that lasted? If you guessed about 20 seconds you'd be off by about 15.

Does anyone want to give me health insurance and some $$$ to stay at home, lay on the couch and watch tv?

A Toast to the New Year

2006-12-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

In lieu of some worthless resolution I'll forget about next week, here are some things I'm looking forward to in 2007:

The return of Lost, The Shield and 24
Yankees winning the World Series (c'mon, it's been 6 years)
Maybe, actually having a boyfriend
Going to see some live music
Travel to far-off exotic lands (hey, I'll settle for Pittsburgh)
Better health, better attitude
A happier work environment
Peace, love and understanding throughout the world (a girl can dream right?)

Here's hoping at least one of these things will happen.

The Flip Side

2006-12-27T21:54:00.000-05:00

Things that definitely sucked in 06:

1. Realizing I'm getting older, not better
2. The death of Edgar Stiles
3. Poop
4. Yankees not winning the World Series
5. Total and complete hatred of job
6. Hemorroids
7. Steroids
8. Fat pants being too small
9. Not anything even close to resembling a love life

10. Being to fucking depressed to finish this list

Damn, This Was Harder Than I Thought

2006-12-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

Lists. This time of year everyone's making lists. Lists of things to do, places to go, people to see. The best and the worst. The top 10. In the spirit of this list-making season, here's my list, in no particular order, of why 2006 wasn't the worst year ever.

1. The Wire
2. The Office
3. Ambien
4. Still have the ability to laugh at myself and others
5. Chien Ming Wang
6. Affordable cashmere
7. Rosanne Cash
8. The Mets didn't win the World Series, neither did the Red Sox
9. The kitties
10. The kiddies

Is This What They Mean By Looking At the Bright Side?

2006-12-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

The good news is that my hatred of the job has totally overridden my hatred of the December holidays.

Back to work tomorrow -- bah! humbug!

Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun

2006-12-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

In honor of one of my favorite movies being on TV tonight I bring you...

Something Good
Perhaps I had a wicked childhood,
Perhaps I had a miserable youth.
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must've been a moment of truth.
For here you are, standing there,
Loving me.
Whether or not you should.
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

So here you are standing there loving me
Whether or not you should

So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could

So somewhere in my youth...
...Or childhood

I must have done something...
...Something good.

I Do(n't)

2006-12-20T19:39:00.000-05:00

If this job was my husband I'd want a divorce. With lots of alimony.

Weekend Update

2006-12-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

The people upstairs are having a party and are being quite rowdy. Like pounding on the walls and blasting the music really loud rowdy. This has been going on all day and I'm hoping that they (soon) realize it's Sunday night and that tomorrow is a work day.

The niece's boyfriend broke up with her (again) the other night. My heart breaks for the pookster. 'Cause I know there's nothing I can say or do that's gonna make her heart stop aching.

I've just watched 2 weeks worth of General Hospital today, I'm pretty much Luke & Laura-ed out. There's shit on TV & I'm bored.

I had a great couple days off but tom'w it's back to the hellhole. I can't think about it too much otherwise I'll just drive myself crazy with dread.

Which all leads up to this....

Sundays by Lucinda Williams

I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday

Monday through Saturday I get by just fine
Every other day of the week I feel alright
But I don't know why
I don't know why

I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday

Sunday's supposed to be the day for kicking off your shoes
But how come that's the day I always get the blues
And I don't know why
I don't know why

I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday

Ever since you had to go I just carry on
But deep down inside I know there's something wrong
And I don't know why
I don't know why

I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday
I can't seem to make it through Sunday

In Case You Were Wondering

2006-12-15T14:33:00.000-05:00

I'm still here!

Another fun and exciting week has passed! And for once I'm not being sarcastic.

Went out with a bunch of friends the other night!

Yesterday had lunch with these cutie pies!

Today I'm hanging out, enjoying my day off.

Proof That At One Time A Man Actually Loved & Wanted Me

2006-12-10T21:13:00.000-05:00

It was March 1984 and we were living in an apt. in Oak Cliff, Texas. One day we had a fight and I decided to leave him and go home. I called my parents to tell them I was coming back. That's when I found out that my grandmother had died. Since Steve & I didn't have a phone in the apt. our phone conversations were very limited. The main source of communication was the U.S. Postal Service. In the end I went back to him and the life we were trying to build together.

I Love

2006-12-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

Behold the new love of my life. Is it that pathetic that all I can think about is going home and slipping these babies on?

Home Again

2006-12-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I came home last night very tired and a little tipsy, watched a few minutes of the boob tube and quickly headed into dreamland. When I awoke this morning and checked out the goings-on of the hot stove league I was very surprised (and happy) to find out this wasn't a dream. Welcome home Andy.

Just Wondering

2006-12-04T19:20:00.000-05:00

Will the torture ever end? Will they just keep piling totally stupid bullshit work on me until I collapse in a blathering heap? Or until I just leave and never come back? Maybe one day I'll get up from my cubicle (oh how I miss having my own office, own window, own door), take one of the 10,000 media kits I just assembled and shove it up the ass of one of the bitchiest/patronizing/phoniest/brown-nosing bitches I have ever met.

I'm really trying to hold on until I can get something else but it gets harder every day.

Has It Been A Whole Year Already?

2006-12-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

Happy 22nd Birthday to my dear sweet pooky. I couldn't imagine these last 22 years without you.

I'll Never Learn To Be Just Me First By Myself

2006-12-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

When I first heard this song, back in the day, that line just grabbed me. I was young so I didn't really understand what it meant, but something about the way that she said it, was so sad. When I got older, and really got what she was singing about, it made me love this song even more.

That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be - Carly Simon

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark
The living room is still
I walk by, no remark
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines
I hear her call "Sweet dreams"
But I forget how to dream

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry

My friends from college they're all married now
They have their houses and their lawns
They have their silent noons
Tearful nights, angry dawns
Their children hate them for the things they're not
They hate themselves for what they are
And yet they drink, they laugh
Close the wound, hide the scar

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry

You say that we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf
I'll never learn to be just me first by myself
Well O.K, it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry(Marry)

Back to Work, Back to Hating

2006-11-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

Remember last week? When I was all relaxed and an almost normal person? Well those days are over. Didn't get home until 8 last night, and was back in that suckhole of an office at 7:30 this morning. And I truly love the fact that I woke up at 3 AM and couldn't go back to sleep til like 5. That so sucks BIG TIME. I hate laying there, with all kinds of crazy shit in my head and why? oh why? am I thinking about work things, for a job I fucking HATE, when I should be deep in dreamland.

I really need to get laid.

Learned My Lesson

2006-11-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

In an ongoing effort to entertain and educate, I took the BF's kids here yesterday. This is what I learned:

Some of the exhibits have not changed since I went there as a kid.
People will not hesitate to bring their little babies into places that little babies should not be (aside to the idiots that brought their screaming baby into the planetarium show: you are idiot fuckwads).
That the moon was created from a cosmic collision with the earth about a bazillion trillion years ago.
I weigh nothing on the moon.
In the grand scheme of things we are really nothing but dust in the wind.

Thankful For Not Having to Go To Work, Yet Still Getting Paid

2006-11-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

Do you realize I haven't gone to work in a week? And do you realize how blissfully happy that has made me? Can someone please develop a way to freeze time so I don't have to go to work? (yet still collect a paycheck and benefits). Until that happens I will not be truly thankful.

T-Day was rainy and raw. I made the pilgrimage up to my sisters where we relished the usual food trappings of the holiday. We have a rule when we do thanksgiving at my sisters house -- no dressing up -- so as soon as I got there I put on my nice cozy pj's and curled up with about a thousand People magazines. Today we made a very short trip to the mall (fuzzy slippers!! on sale!) and now I'm home doing laundry wondering what to have for dinner.

Hope your holiday was happy and bright and all that other stuff.

Mission Accomplished!

2006-11-22T11:42:00.000-05:00

Things I have done in the past 48 hours:

Got a haircut
Went back to the dentist
Had an eye exam, facial, mani/pedi and finally got my eyebrows waxed
Shopped for pants
Not to mention dinner out with friends both Mon & Tues

Things I will do in the next 24 hours:

Laundry
Lay on the couch

I love vacation days don't you?

What Will Get Me Through the Next Few Months

2006-11-20T22:11:00.000-05:00

Voluntary reporting date for Spring Training: Feb. 15, 2007.

That's my corn out there! You guys are guests in my corn!

2006-11-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed the lack of poop posts around here lately? That's because (knocks on wood) for the most part I've been feeling ALOT better lately. The new meds seem to be kicking in & the doc even lowered my dose of steroids, giving me a glimmer of hope that one of these months I'll be off them for good. I've been trying to stay away from anything fried or greasy and have been trying to make healthier food choices. Until lunchtime yesterday. What started out as a quest for salad wound up with me eating a cheesesteak (oddly enough, without the cheese). And paying the ultimate price for it all night. Oh yeah, it was a virtual poopfest around here. ANYWAY. I didn't go to work today. I felt a little bad about it since I'm taking next week off, and there was stuff to take care of before then, but I really was in no condition to leave the house. As evidenced by the fact that it's almost 5pm and I'm still in my pj's. ANYWAY. "Field of Dreams" was on this afternoon and that got me thinking about Iowa (Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa) or more specifically, about moving to Iowa. Do you know anyone who's lived there? Or even been there? The past few months I've spent alot of time daydreaming about just packing up the car (that I don't have) and moving. Moving away from the craziness that is NYC. Keep in mind I've really never lived anywhere else but here, with the exception being the year I lived in Dallas. Could I live someplace else? Would I be happier? Starting from scratch at my age is a kind of a terrifying thought. Where would I go? What would I do? As scary and intimidating as that is, starting over also has a certain appeal.

Do I have the nerve?

Bitching & Moaning

2006-11-15T20:02:00.000-05:00

Random Things that I Am Hating About My New Job

At my old office the whole floor shared 2 bathrooms. Since there weren't a whole lotta women on the floor privacy usually wasn't an issue. Now? This new office is all women and there is ALWAYS someone in the ladies room. And they talk to you! While you're trying to pee!People, please shut up -- I need my pee time to be quiet.

I never know what time I'm going to get out of work which makes it really hard to schedule a waxing. My eyebrows are out of control.

The library by my office? Sucks! The "new" book shelf? Features books from about 4 years ago. No joke.

When the head honcho is in the office she turns the thermostat up to 85. Lady, I'm on steroids and premenopausal. First you talk to me when I'm peeing and now you're making me melt? You're killing me.

8:15 am sales meeetings. 'Nuff said there.

Getting Up Close With Mother Nature

2006-11-12T16:09:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago a squirrel decided that my AC would be a perfect place to set up shop. I was fascinated as I watched him build his nest by dragging branches from neighboring trees. It's been a couple of weeks since I've seen the squirrel-- this morning he decided to come by and eat his nuts (and pose for some pictures).

Feline Groovy

2006-11-11T18:09:00.000-05:00

Boob Tube

2006-11-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Speaking of great tv shows, what the hell ever happened to the 3rd season of "Once and Again" being released on DVD?

And also? What fucking idiot decided to split the season of "Lost?" I just found out tonight's episode is the last one til like Feb? WTF??? ABC you suck.

4-out-of-5 Dentists Recommend The Wire

2006-11-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

I've been seeing my dentist rather regularly lately as I'm having a root canal and all the other dental work that comes with it. My DDS is a really nice guy and that makes going there a little less painful. He reminds me of someone and I couldn't quite put my finger on who -- and then it hit me. He looks like John Doman (Rawls) from "The Wire". Man, I love that guy.

Listen to me, McNulty. You took a lot of risks. You played a lot of wild cards. And, you made a lot of fucking people do a lot of things they didn't want to do. You, McNulty are a gaping asshole. I know it, and I'll be fucked if everybody in CID didn't know it. But, I'll be also fucked if I let you sit here and think you did a single fucking thing to get a fucking police shot. Believe it or not, not everything is about you. Get it into your head McNulty it's not your fault. And the motherfucker telling you this, he fucking hates your guts. So, you know, that if it was your fault, I'd be the first son of a bitch to tell you. Shit went bad, she took two for the company. That's the only lesson here.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

2006-11-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

You'll never guess what I had for dinner tonight! Chicken soup! That I made myself! Yes, you read that right -- and it was mighty tasty, if I do say so myself. I even put little alphabet pasta in it. How fucking awesome is that? Are you impressed? Because I am. Up until yesterday I had never made soup from scratch before. Unless you count Cup-A-Soup. For my next forary into the kitchen I will make ice from scratch!

All She Wants to do is Pants!

2006-11-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

A beautiful crisp fall day with an impossibly blue sky. A credit card and over 200 stores for the taking.

Yesterday I headed up north to Woodbury Commons with my sis & the BIL. The goal? Pants. While Mother Nature cooperated, the discounted retail gods were against me. Jones NY? The one pair they had in my size that I liked: stained. The Gap? Forget it. Eddie Bauer? Had the the perfect paints. Perfect in every way except they didn't have my size. The list goes on and on.... I did however buy about $50 worth of socks. I may be forced to wear the same pants over and over but by god I now have a vast selection of socks! So if you see a 40-something, curly haired female on the streets of NYC with no pants but great socks, you know it's me!

Seriously?

2006-11-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

My brain is such a big pile of mush right now. It has discarded, absorbed and processed so much info in the last 2 weeks it's a minor miracle I can remember my name. Leslie? Linda?

I am settling into the rhythm, if you will, of the new job. I don't think I am ever going to like working there so my quest for new employment continues but until that new job comes along I have to be able to cope with this one. The really wild thing? I've been so worried that they were going to try to cut my salary and I got a raise. I know! A raise. Which amounts to be about $13 a week. I'll try not to go to crazy with that small fortune.

Apropos of nothing, there is shit on TV on Friday nights so I just watched ER which I taped (how quaint) last night because it was 9:45 and I couldn't keep my eyes open. How fucking hot is John Stamos? And for all you "Freaks & Geeks" fans Kim Kelly is now on ER too. She & Lindsay are reunited! And how fucking awesome is "The Office?!" I was afraid this season was going to turn into the Jim & Pam show but those fears have been quashed & quelled. And the little snippet at the end? Priceless my friends!

I'm off to partake in my family's favorite pasttime tomorrow -- Woodbury Common Outlets! I fully intend on shopping til I drop.

Not Paradise

2006-10-31T21:05:00.000-05:00

Is it Friday yet?

I can't believe how good I had it, leaving work at 5 on the dot every day. Being home by 6. Now I'm lucky to be out of work by 7. Which naturally me leads me to..

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you dont know what you've got
Till its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They took all the trees
Put em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Hey farmer farmer
Put away that d.d.t. now
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees
Please!Dont it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Late last nightI heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took away my old man
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

oh my god oh my god oh my god

2006-10-30T21:52:00.000-05:00

i hate my job.

but you knew that already didn't you?

Red Bird Nation

2006-10-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to the 2006 World Series Championship St. Louis Cardinals. What a way to christen a new stadium! And kudos to the little-est man in baseball, David Eckstein, on being named MVP -- Most Valuable Pest! That mother is one pesky little dude. I only wish they had been able to win the '04 series against those Idiot Red Sox.I was so glad to see the Tigers go down. The thought of Kenny Rogers winning a WS ring was a little too much to bear. All Kenny Rogers hatred aside, they didn't deserve to win. They were sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. And with the exception of Sean Casey, didn't hit for shit. Where have you gone Placido Polanco?Due to the suck-itude of the job I've come home every night exhausted and not able to do much more than stuff from food in my hole, pet the cats and go to sleep so I really only saw a couple of innings of each game, except for last night where I stayed up until 11:30. 11:30 people! That's like 4 am for normal people. I'm excited for the Cards and their fans, but sad too since the 2006 season is officially over and I have to wait til April 2007 for MLB to return. That's like 5 whole months away!Note to the idiots at Fox: Maybe the ratings for the WS is in the toilet because the games don't start til 8:30 -- how 'bout you move the start times up so that the people who actually follow the game (people who have school and jobs) have a shot in hell of seeing the end of the game? Maybe people aren't tuning in because they know they won't be able to see the end of it? Just a thought. Nice touch though on adding Joe Girardi to the pre-game.

The Continuing Saga of How Suck Ass My Life Is

2006-10-24T19:35:00.000-05:00

I would love to tell you that so far the new job is great...... but I would be lying.

A Question

2006-10-22T15:46:00.001-05:00

Is anyone out there in HR? 'Cause I have some questions:

1. Is it legal to demote someone w/o cause?
2. Can I negotiate a severance package (even though I've not been laid off?)
3. Do I have ANY options here?

How Many Different Ways Can I Say My Life Sucks?

2006-10-21T14:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the big move and consolidation of companies. What a long, bullshit, pain-in-the-ass day. I am tired, sore and just filled with hatred. I feel like I have a permanent scowl on my face. And the cherry on the sundae? Had to go in today at 9:00 on a fucking Saturday to unpack. Can I begin to tell you how much that sucked?

Did I tell you I got demoted? Oh yeah baby you read that right. Fucking bullshit. But for now I just have to smile and suck it up. I've had thoughts of quitting... which is probably what they want but I need the health insurance. The paycheck too of course but more importantly the insurance. How did I get myself in this situation? And how the fuck do I get out?

Beat Down

2006-10-18T19:23:00.000-05:00

I am tired, depressed and just too fucking overwhelmed to post anything. Let's just say getting fired would have been the preferred alternative.

I gotta get out of there and pronto!

Just Remember Guys -- We Are Loved in Germany and Belgium

2006-10-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

My love for all things Cameron Crowe has been well documented -- well, I didn't love "Elizabethtown" but nevertheless...I watched "Singles" last night -- I hadn't seen that movie in about a bazillion years and man, has it held up well. And what a great cast, Kyra Sedgwick (great hair!), Campbell Scott, Bridget Fonda, Matt Dillion. It wasn't until I was watching the credits that I realized that Jim True, who plays David Bailey, is Jim True-Frost aka Det. Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski from "The Wire." And of course, it being a Cameron Crowe movie, the music is great too --

1. Would? - Alice In Chains
2. Breath - Pearl Jam
3. Seasons - Chris Cornell
4. Dyslexic Heart - Paul Westerberg
5. Battle Of Evermore - The Lovemongers
6. Chloe Dancer / Crown Of Thorns - Mother Love Bone
7. Birth Ritual - Soundgarden
8. State Of Love And Trust - Pearl Jam
9. Overblown - Mudhoney
10. Waiting For Somebody - Paul Westerberg
11. May This Be Love - Jimi Hendrix
12. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees
13. Drown - Smashing Pumpkins

In the words of Cliff Poncier where is the "Iron Man" of today?

Overheard in NYC

2006-10-14T13:21:00.000-05:00

while trying on bras last night:

"He doesn't like me to wear black underwear"

"My nipples look really funny"

"Do you have anything that will makes my breasts look 10 years younger?"

Why I Suck, Part II

2006-10-12T17:36:00.000-05:00

Because? My week wasn't shitty enough? I'm my way to the dentist for a root canal.

Job update: As expected our entire sales staff got fired. The rest of the staff is still "safe" for now. We are moving next week and I DON'T WANT TO GO!! I don't want to leave my nice, very convenient-for-my-commute-office where I have the luxury of my own door! And windows! And no she-devil breathing down my neck, expecting me to work 12 hour days. Yes, I know I've been very lucky (and spoiled!). And now that's all about to change and WAH! WAH!

Wow, This Is Really Fucked Up

2006-10-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

Can you believe this shit?

Would it too mean of me to if I said I guess he was as good a pilot as he was a pitcher? Yeah, you're right. That is a little too mean, even for me.

There's No Crying in Baseball

2006-10-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

The first thing I learned about baseball was good pitching stops good hitting. And good pitching, timely hitting and an outstanding bullpen was what the Detroit Tigers had. Now I hope Oakland kicks the shit out of them and makes Jim Leyland cry. Meanwhile, the Yanks are turning into the Braves of the AL East. Well, I guess I'd rather have lost to the Tigers than to the Mets, if you know what I mean.

Even though I said if the Mets got further than the Yanks in this postseason I would root for the Mets -- I don't think I can do it. I'm trying but just not feeling it. Fuck. The Mets are already up 3-0 in the first. Excuse me while I go stick my head in the oven now.

I Suck!

2006-10-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to detail how totally and royally my life sucks.

Nothing comes easy and everything is that much harder.

Physically I'm no better today than I was 6 months ago. I feel for every step forward I make a day later it's two steps back.

Emotionally I'm a wreck. The stress of my illness, the uncertainty that surrounds my job, the total absence of any kind of semblance of a romantic life... it's just not good.

I can't seem to get into any kind of good groove and it's taking its toll. I try to force myself to be in a good mood but can't substain it for very long. I'm hiding myself from loved ones because I know what a drag I'm being and don't want to inclict this on anyone else.

And if the fucking Yanks lose today I'm gonna be really pissed.

WTF??!!

2006-10-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

Kenny Rogers? Kenny "I'm A Big Pussy" Rogers? KENNY ROGERS? KENNY ROGERS?

What the fuck is the world coming too?

Omar is My Favorite

2006-10-03T19:46:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how much I am loving (AM LOVING!) Season 4 of "The Wire"?

No way to adequately describe how great this show is (GREAT GREAT GREAT!)but take my word for it, it's fucking GREAT! Well worth the $12 a month for HBO.

A Post Not About The Yankees

2006-10-02T18:54:00.000-05:00

This whole job situation is a fucking pain in the ass. Do I have a job? What will that job be? These are legitimate questions, one's that I have the right to ask and be answered. I am sick and tired and frustrated and frankly, mad as hell. I've been a loyal employee, a hard worker and deserve to be treated with respect. I don't like the bullshit and the game playing. If this indicative of the way I'll be treated if I do have a job then FUCK YOU. I don't need this crap. Oh, I'll suck it up for now but the second something comes along I will be OUT OF THERE!!!!! In the words of David Allan Coe, I will tell you to "take this job and shove it."

Man, I hate not knowing.

Boys of Summer

2006-10-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

End of the regular season.

Fewer words make me sadder. Even with my team in the postseason with a legit shot at another World Series title, I'm always sad that the regular season is over. Maybe because it means summer is really gone, and that winter really is on it's way. I find the long baseball season comforting, like a good friend who's always around when you need them.

TGIF

2006-09-29T20:21:00.000-05:00

How happy am I that it's Friday night and I have the worlds most comfortable pj's on? Seriously people, go to Costco and buy the flannel pajamas -- 2 pair for $11.00. You will not be sorry.

No Hit? No Way!

2006-09-28T20:30:00.000-05:00

What is this bullshit? The Yanks being no-hit by the lowly Orioles? I know it's not the Yanks "A" line up but still -- you're fucking major league players -- get a goddamn hit. Ha! The Yanks just scored a run -- not on a hit but on 2 errors in the inning -- c'mon this asshat pitcher has a 4.91 career ERA against the Yanks and they can't muster one little bitty hit? Last night they had 20 hits and tonight they can't get one? Don't you love this game?

Update: Thank godness for Robby Cano and his 9th inning single.

Pictures I Found While Cleaning Out My Desk *

2006-09-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a company that rewarded its employees with a trip to Lanai for their hard work and loyal service. A good time was had by all. The end.

*Still don't know about the job situation. Cleaning out my desk because whether or not I have a job, our office is moving in a few weeks.